My oh-so-sweet boyfriend thought it would be really funny to play a little joke on me this morning. He set my clock an hour ahead without me knowing! I got up and was ready to leave for work before I realized that it was only 6 - not 7! I was a little irritated, but it was no big deal. It gave me time to visit my myspace and fix it up a little. I can't get on myspace here at work and I usually don't have a chance to spend any "quality" internet time at home so I decided to give my page a makeover. It was then when I realized that I don't have any of my "helium" buddies on there. My profile is set to private because of my psycho stalker ex-husband so I'm a little uncomfortable posting it on here, but if you'd like to be a "myspace" friend, please leave a comment with your page and I'll add you.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
I couldn't resist this one...it's too good....
THE CHICKEN STORY
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!! !
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in the bed."
Ha Ha Ha Ha....
A Kansas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
I'm so excited...and I just can't hide it....
Yay..I'm in SUCH a good mood! Is it really a Monday? I went to my last counseling session today...yes you read that correctly my LAST session! Last as in NO MORE!!!! What a relief! It was amazing. I went in there thinking I had three more, but she said that she didn't think that I needed 3 more. She said that my actions lately have spoken for themselves. I'm learning to deal with my problems positively and not lashing out....not that I really lashed out anyway - I was mainly just very angry and bitter and thought I had nothing to live for. Depression is not a fun thing, but apparently "she" has shown me how to deal with things and manage my "depression" Whatever...it's everyone on Helium who makes me nearly pee my pants on a daily basis...it's watching my little boy try to learn to walk...it's my wonderful boyfriend always supporting me and loving unconditionally....it's my dad making me shut up and listen to reason...it's my determination to be there for my daughter so she knows she will always be loved...it's my totally awesome job...it's all those things...not the overpaid therapist! Anyway, maybe I did learn something from her, maybe I didn't....I guess it doesn't matter how I got better...I just did.
Of course, I'm always going to have to deal with depression. I've chosen to do it WITHOUT the use of drugs. I'm learning to deal with it on my own and I still and will always believe that laughter is the best medicine for anything and everything. Have you ever just laughed so hard until you could barely hold yourself up? It feels great doesn't it? Or if you're having a really bad day and you see someone you don't like trip and fall on their ass...doesn't it just make you feel so much better? I love to laugh....that's what makes me feel better...it works...so I want to keep laughing.....I'll be posting some more funnies today, so be prepared!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Ponder this...
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30¢?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge.
"Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
The Speeding Ticket...
I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY. I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL...
THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.
A Sign You're Driving Too Fast........
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer...
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, Posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY???
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you Much grief and misery And even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.
My Mid-Year Evaluation...
Yesterday I had my mid-year evaluation at work. I was pretty nervous about it. I get my work done and I was pretty sure I did a good job, but I'm always a worrier any way. I mean, think about how much time I spend on Helium alone...that's not counting the time I spend on my email. I wear jeans to work sometimes, which we're not really supposed to do, but nobody's ever said anything to me. I don't wear jeans everyday....just maybe once or twice a week. And, if I know we're going to have clients in the office, I make sure to look professional.
But, once again I'm off track...so my boss calls me in to his office and I was so scared! Then he shuts the door when we went in....uh-oh - I thought. But, as luck would have it, I had absolutely NOTHING to be worried about. Everything on there was marked excellent. He said that I was extremely organized and had great work ethic! That shocked me because usually my desk is such a mess but I'll take it! Then he said that I was easy to work with and that I worked well with everyone in the office (That part is true) He said that all my work is always done in a timely manner and that I'm able to multi-task and prioritize effectively. (That part is true...I can goof off on Helium and get two work related projects done at the same time :D)
So anyway, I was excited. He did say that I need to work on cleaning and organizing the supply room (YUCK) but still I was so shocked. He didn't say anything about the jeans which kind of surprised me. I don't think he really cares as long as I look decent.
Anyway, I just wanted to brag a little bit! :)
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Do you know shit?
A man was sitting next to a little boy on a plane. As the plane took off, the man said "lets have a conversation, kiddo. I always heard if you talk on an airplane it makes the trip go by faster." The boy who looked about 12 years old sighed, put his book down, and said "well what do you want to talk about?"
The man thought for a moment then said "well lets talk about nuclear power." The boy said "I have a question first. A deer, a horse, and a cow all eat grass. A deer poops hard pellets, a horse poops clumps of grass, and a cow poops soft round patties. If they all eat the same thing, then why is their poop different?" The man thought and thought then said "I honestly dont know" The boy picked his book up and said " Well how do you think you are qualified to hold a conversation about nuclear power when you dont know shit?"
UGH...typical man!
Here's a story about a typical man...
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE HAPPY BIRTHDAY." I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.
MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD, SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'SGO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...FOLLOWED BY MYWIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...ON THE COUCH...NAKED.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Keep it going....
Okay, here's the deal: you've been hand picked by someone who likes you to fill out this survey. It's a great boredom buster and at the end you get to pick your own 5 people to fill it out. If you don't fill it out, the person that sent this to you will hunt you down and kill you -- not really, but it's fun so keep it going! Once you post your answers, pick 5 people of your own to do it. Have fun!
1. What is your middle name: Renee
2. Color pants are you wearing? brown
3. What are you listening to now? the rain hitting the roof
4. What was the last thing you had to drink? Mountain Dew
5. Do you wish on stars? yep
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? White so I could be invisible
7. How is the weather right now? rainy and humid
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my boss
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yes
10. Favorite drink? It depends on my mood....normally I like mixed drinks but lately I've been a BudLight girl...well BudLight and Tequila Rose shots
11. Favorite sport? BASEBALL! GO YANKEES
12. Hair color? Brunette
13. Siblings? 3 brothers and a sister (I'm the baby)
14. Favorite month: I'd have to say April - weather's not too hot yet
15. Favorite food? Um.... um... that's too broad of a question. Ask me specifics.
16. What was the last movie you saw? In theatres - Pirates of the Carribean 3...at home we watched Sleepless in Seattle last night...one of my all time favorites.
17. Favorite day of the year: New Year's
18. What do you do to vent anger? kickboxing does wonders -- then a nice cold drink
19. What was your favorite toy as a child? it really wasn't a toy...it was an old broken typewriter...I used to pretend to be a writer.
20. Summer or winter? Summer
21. Hugs or kisses? Hugs from clean-smelling people that I care about. Kisses from kiddies & of course my hubby.
23. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla (ask me tomorrow and I may say chocolate..depends on my mood)
24. Do you want your friends to do this? Of course!
25. Who is most likely to do this self-survey? I don't know..plus if I say, she won't do it just to spite me
26. Who is least likely to respond? again...not answering
27. When was the last time you cried? I got a little teary eyed a couple hours ago
28. What is under your bed? my shoes, an air mattress and some board games
29. Who is the friend you have had the longest? That would be Nicki...we've been BFFs since we were 9
30. What did you do last night? Laundry and watched a move
31. What are you afraid of? a bunch of stuff
32. Plain or buttered or salted popcorn? Lots of butter
33. Favorite car? not a car - Jeep Wrangler
34. Favorite flower? Rose
35. How many keys on your key ring? Let's see: car, house, work, PO box, my dad's house -- that makes 5
36. How many years at your current job? I've been here for 7 months
37. What did you do on your last birthday? lots and lots of margaritas
38. How many states have you lived in? Just Texas
39. Did you have fun with this? Ehhhh...it passed some time
40. Who are you going to send this to? hmmm let's see all those taggers.....Kizzy, Ambre, William, Jadey and Gimme...ENJOY!
Need a Laugh....Zippity Do Da....
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
This Week's Counseling Session...
So, it's been a little over a week since I've gone...thank God for that! Although, I have to admit, today's session wasn't so bad. We mainly talked about my eventful court date. Then we talked a little about my upcoming visit with my daughter and ways to deal with that. I'm glad I got it over with early this week. Mondays are better..mainly because Mondays usually suck anyway, so it's best to do it then. It gives me the rest of the week to live normally. I only have a few more sessions to complete my end of the bargain with my family.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Yesterday...
So, the protective order hearing....
The county attorney knew that this was a frivolous suit, but he has his job to do. I had all the evidence proving that I couldn't have said those things in a supervised setting. The county attorney even told the psychos that they didn't have a chance in hell of winning. But they were persist ant and demanded the hearing. I talked to my lawyer Wednesday night and said something seems fishy. She said don't worry about it and that she would take care of it.
My best friend drove me there and we met my attorney at the courthouse and went in. Of course he had his mommy, his daddy, his sister, her husband, his grandmother and the slut there.....I also never mentioned this, but the entire family is extremely large -- think the Klumps -- I'm not exaggerating.....they took up two entire rows! They kept staring at me and giving me their disapproving looks....ugh.....we had to wait for the million other cases to get heard -- who ever invented this "organized" way of the court systems needs to be hit in the head!
At one point after my attorney had looked at them (she had never seen them before) she whispers to me "Those are some UGLY mother F***ers" I couldn't help it...I started cracking up! It was so funny..she kept asking me what ever possessed me to date - let alone - marry him! So funny....anyway finally our turn....
My attorney and I made our way to the front of the court room. She had me sit down while her, the county attorney and the judge met in the judge's chambers. After a few minutes (that seemed like HOURS) she comes back out with this weird look on her face. She sits next to me and says the hearing is a piece of cake...the judge knows that he is full of shit....but then she looks at me and says...we have another problem....OF COURSE WE DO...NOTHING REGARDING THIS FAMILY IS EVERY SIMPLE!!!
She looks right at me and says, "Why do you have a warrant out of ____ County?" I was shocked...I knew the county she was talking about, but I never got so much as a speeding ticket there. I said I have no idea...then it dawned on me why she asked that.....the lightbulb came on...."Am I going to get arrested?" I asked her -- even though I already knew the answer.
She nodded and told my friend to get on the phone and find out what the warrant was for and how much it was. The deputy that was there said that if it was paid before the hearing was over they wouldn't have to arrest me. My friend went out and started making calls. That fucker knew he was going to lose the case...but remember I told you he is a dispatcher at the sheriff's office....I'm sure he runs my name through the system constantly....he got me to court just so that they would arrest me!
So we continue with the hearing and of course the judge realized what he was trying to do...and said that he was full of it. No protective order and the visitation is supposed to be resumed until the motion for enforcement hearing which is set for August 15. So that went as planned.
My friend came back and said that the warrant was for a hot check -- also BS because I've NEVER written a check in that county...much less a hot one....but whatever I'll take care of that later...right now I just want to do ANYTHING to stay out of jail -- I've never been arrested before and I certainly don't wanna be! I was freaking out....Then my attorney went and talked to the bailiffs and deputies .... at this time my friend is on the phone with everyone trying to get money to get me out...I'm sitting in the courtroom listening to the next case. When my friend came back in she said that psycho's family was standing out there with cameras waiting for me to come out in handcuffs!!! (by the way, the sheriff's department they work for is in another county from where we had the hearing just FYI...but his dad likes to run for sheriff in THIS county every chance he gets because this is the county that they live in)
My attorney came back and said that she had arranged for the deputy to take me out the back door in an unmarked car and not in handcuffs or anything....she was going to get a bail bonds person to post the bond and that the judge was coming right over there to magistrate me and they were going to book me in and book me out.
The deputy that took me over there was super nice. He said he saw the name on the docket this morning and knew there was going to be some trouble. That family is ALWAYS trying to start shit....anyway he reminded me so much of Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith Show. So nice and he sounded just like him....anyway he let me ride in the front of the car and even let my friend ride over there with us....instead of going to a holding cell, they let me sit out in the public waiting room with my cell phone and friend. The bail bonds lady came moments later and did the bond, then the judge came in and took me in the back...he read me my rights and signed this piece of paper then the deputy booked me in and out and I was free! I actually had a good time with those guys...I got to hear stories about the psycho family and how I was too pretty to be associated with them (always nice to hear)
When I got home, I got to share my adventure with the whole neighborhood. I live with my dad in the STICKS...I mean redneck, countrified, old fashioned, southern, hot-tempered people live out there....they were all saying stuff like "let me see anyone in that family around here...we'll gettem fer ya" They were all just glad that I was ok. It was such an adrenaline rush. I mean this whole day was a major emotional rollercoaster....CRAZY. So my dad knew that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and he tells my boyfriend, "I got the baby, you take her out and get her drunk..she's earned it" My dad is so cool.
So I ended up going out and getting insanely hammered....I think I finally went to sleep at 4...and up at 6 to come to work today! At least it's Friday -- THANK GOD!!!!
Anyway, I know this has been one long story but I needed to let it out!!!!!!
Now you know why I'm always trying to laugh and make jokes about everything....it keeps me from having to think about all this mess!!!
Some Background Info Leading Up To My Adventure Yesterday...
So after my son was born, we were completely broke. I was overwhelmed with attorney fees and court costs - and I had lost my job, my car was about to get repossessed, we were about to get evicted...it was a TOTAL mess. So we packed our stuff and moved to my dad's so that we could get back on our feet. It was only supposed to be for a couple weeks, but it's been nearly 10 months and we're still here! (Also another story)
So like I said, we were broke. And by broke, I mean getting food stamps, recycling cans for gas money, B-R-O-K-E! And, because the jackass had gotten that stupid protective order, I had to drive an hour and half away to see my daughter supervised for four hours and pay $50 an hour for that. And that's on top of the $500 a month in child support I was having to pay! I talked to a few lawyers and with my case being such a mess they were asking for HUGE retainer. So, my boyfriend got a job. I couldn't work yet because my son was only a couple weeks old and I was still recovering. (And I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't ask my family for money -- the only family members I get along with are my dad - who lives off of social security disability - and my grandmother who wasn't in any position to help at the time)
Anyway, I managed to find a part-time job a couple months later (December 2006) and finally had enough money to go to that supervised place to see my daughter. By this time it had been 5 months since I'd seen her. By the time all the paperwork as done and I was finally able to go see her, it was March...8 months since the last time I had seen or spoken with her!
Finally, I saw her...It took EVERYTHING in me not to cry. I didn't want her to see my crying. My beautiful little girl.....who looked like a fucking RAG DOLL! It was 9 in the morning. Her hair had not been combed, she was wearing a dirty shirt and her pants were about 3 sizes too big. She wouldn't come near me! She was completely terrified. Now, my daughter and I have always been VERY close. I am a good mother and EVERYONE who knows me would tell you the same (well everyone except for the psycho family I married in to). I couldn't believe she was scared of me...but it had been a long time since we had seen each other and God only knows what that family has been telling her. So, the supervisor took us in to a private room and in a few minutes she came around. It wasn't long before we were playing games and laughing. Then out of nowhere she hugs me and says "I'm going to tell Daddy that you're not mean." I looked at the supervisor and then back and my daughter and asked her why she thought I was going to be mean. Her response: "Daddy said you were going to be mean" Can you believe that shit???? Well we ended up having an awesome day together. She asked about her baby brother who she had not met yet. I said that I could bring him next time if she wanted and she said yes.
I went back two weeks later and she walked right in and gave me a hug and a kiss. She loved meeting her little brother and we had a great time again.
By this time, I was finally starting to get back on my feet. My boyfriend and I were both working full time and my dad would watch the baby during the day. Things were finally looking up, so I started my new attorney hunt. I found an awesome attorney and we were going to go back to court and get the protective order thrown out and I would get my regular visitation back. Finally, the sun was coming up after a year of hell ----- but don't smile yet...psycho had other plans.
He's getting remarried and decides that it's too much of a complication to have me in their lives. Him and my daughter and the slut he's marrying (who was one of the many he was cheating on me with while we were married) and her daughter are going to have their nice little perfect family...I'm just in the way of that. A couple days after I retained my new attorney, I got a call from the visitation place saying that he had cancelled all the visitations and the only way that I could see my daughter was to take it to court. Great...I got to see her twice and now he's taking that away from me too! So, my attorney quickly filed a motion to enforce......THE DAY AFTER HE'S SERVED, He files ANOTHER protective order now saying that I told my daughter (during the SUPERVISED visit) that I was going to kidnap and kill her!!!!!! Oh and I'm also supposedly sitting outside her daycare all day...1) I don't even know where her daycare is and 2) I work all day Monday - Friday an hour and a half away from where he lives...how in the hell does that work??????
So yesterday we went to court about that....and I'll be back soon to fill you in on that saga...Stay tuned for more Days of Our Lives!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up likeevery two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
BAD TEACHER!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Crystal Dawn for letting me borrow this! This is a gooooooooooood one!
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Boston Red Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Red Sox fans, too.Not really knowing what a Red Sox fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Red Sox fan.""Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?""Why I'm proud to be a Yankees fan.", boasts the little girl.The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Yankees fan."Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankees fans, and I'm a Yankees fan, too!"The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Red Sox fan."
GO YANKEES!!!
Gym - Day 3
I woke up this morning pretty damn sore. I could hardly stretch. It feels good though. At least I know that I'm working and not just letting myself go -- well any further than I already let myself go. So today I decided to do the water aerobics class again, mainly because it's so hot outside and I wanted to swim. It was a different instructor today -- one of those 20-something athletic types I was afraid of on the first day -- but she turned out to be really nice and the workout was much tougher than the first day. I was pretty wore out when I left, but damn it feels good! Tomorrow I won't be able to go, but I'm hoping to be back there on Friday!
Therapy That Actually Works!
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling, Name Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Share This With Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called therapy
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Blonde Joke of the day....
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.
Hello? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hello"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Wonder if this would really work??????
Gym - Day 2
Well I survived my first day without any major problems. I was a little sore this morning, but not too bad. Tomorrow may be a different story! I took the Pilates class today. The instructor kind of annoyed me because she started 15 minutes late. Hello! I have to get back to work! Once it started, it was great though. By the end of the hour pretty much every muscle in my body was burning, or had been burning during the session at one time or another. And all that and I wasn't even sweating! That's what I love about Pilates....you get a good workout without being completely out of breath and sweating. That's perfect for someone working out on their lunch hour. Not sure what's on the agenda for tomorrow.
Thinking Before You Speak
These are not about me, but I thought this was so funny. I would have posted this on Helium, but I thought the content may be a little too mature. Anyway, have a laugh (or two, or three, or how ever many it takes!)
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in towand asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold avariety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to releasesome pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold ofher after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity andwalked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I hea rd when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errandsIt was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checkedmy seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeksand yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised! me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Tagged (Again)
I was just recently tagged on myspace...I see it's here too....I'll get you Kizzy!
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits aboutthemselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Facts:
1.) I'm a Friends junky...I've seen every episode about a million times
2.) I have 3 brothers and a sister, although most people think that I'm an only child
3.) I like making candles using essential oils (an expensive hobby!)
4.) My first concert ever was New Kids on the Block
5.) I always thought the Washington Redskins were from Washington State...I just recently found out they were from DC
6.) In highschool, I used to play Hide-n-seek at wal-mart
7.) I laugh every time I hear "turnip greens"
8.) I sometimes catch myself watching teen movies on disney
Ok...I'm not going to tag anyone at the moment, since everyone I know on here has already been tagged, and that would just be mean to make them do it again!
Gym - Day 1
So, today was my first day at the gym. I haven't worked out at all in like 2 years. (And I wonder why I keep gaining weight!) Anyway, so I decided to join a gym and work out on my lunch hour. Today I did deep water aerobics. I love being in the water and because of a knee injury, I need low impact workouts.
When I got out of the dressing room, I was so intimidated....here I was in my bathing suit, about to walk out in front of everyone -- people who I assume work out all the time and are super fit -- not to mention I haven't spent much time in the sun so I'm as white as a ghost -- I was so frantic, I almost changed my mind and decided to go get some ice cream instead!
But I visualized myself in that short tank top that I have at home that I've NEVER been able to wear in public and I got my white butt out there. I was amazed to see that it was mainly older women (40+) in the class. They were all very nice too. It was a relief because the last thing I wanted to do was look like a klutz in front of a bunch of 20 something college athletes.
The class was pretty tough, but I made it through. Water aerobics is a good start for someone who hasn't worked out in a while. You're able to get a full workout without straining your muscles. I'm sure I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but at least I know I can manage.
Tomorrow I'm trying the Pilates class....wish me luck!!!!
Today's Funnies
Just some stuff to hopefully make you laugh and brighten your day!
Women are like apples on trees...
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way up to the top of the tree.
Now men...men are like fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love, dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.
Boring Weekends
Every Friday it seems as if everyone's main concern is "what are you doing this weekend?" Everybody wants to have big weekend plans filled with activity and nonstop fun. That's all fine and dandy, but is it really the end of the world if you don't have weekend plans? This past weekend I did absolutley NOTHING and LOVED it. Saturday I stayed in bed almost all day. It was raining outside and we just laid in bed and watched movies all day. It was nice. It's not often something you can accomplish with a baby, but I think my little guy was just as needy of a day of rest as we were. Yesterday was a little more active. There was a week's worth of laundry to be done and the house was a mess, so we cleaned it up and sat on our butts the remainder of the day! But, as they say, all good things must come to an end so here we are on Monday again. Another long week....hmmm wonder what we can do this weekend???
Friday, July 13, 2007
Counseling
I'd like some feedback from people that have been to or are going to counseling. I'm going to a therapist at the insistance of family members because I've been through a really rough time the past couple of years and apparently I wasn't handling it very well. My doctor said I had depression and prescribed me an anti-depressant to take every day. Well, after a month of taking it, I didn't feel any different and I don't like the idea of some chemical altering my brain. So, anyway I started seeing this counselor about 2 months ago. I go once a week. I don't feel any different. Actually, I leave there feeling worse. She twists my words around and is constantly make me dwell on mistakes I've made in the past. Well everyone makes mistakes -- it's a part of life. I thought that the whole purpose of mistakes was to learn from them and move on so why must I constantly dwell on them. I've come a long way in the past 10 months and I've worked my ass off to get there. Why can't I focus on the good things that have happened and the positive changes that I've made? Has anyone else experienced this? Please let me know. Oh yeah and she's constantly telling me to journal...so I guess that's pretty much the reason I started this...this is my journal...ok so that's pretty much all I have to say on that...comments, please!
Me in a nutshell....
Welcome to my blog...my first blog. The title is Italian for Caution: Entering Sophia's world....and I want to caution you before I go any further. This is MY world. I'm going to write about what I want, how I want. I welcome advice and criticism, but just remember, this is a place for me to share my thoughts and expressions. I don't get to actively do that on a normal basis, so this blog is kind of my sanctuary. Does that make sense? I hope I'm not coming off too bitchy!
Mostly this blog is about me getting my thoughts out and hopefully releasing some negative energy. If some of my posts seem a little angry or morbid, don't worry, I'm not crazy....well not the bad crazy anyway.
Well, let's see...in a nutshell I'm kind of a nut. I like to laugh. I like things that make me laugh. I like to make others laugh -- do you see the connection? I try to find humor in every situation, even when it may be a little inappropriate, but hey, I think laughter is the best medicine.
That's all for now....more to come!
