Friday, November 30, 2007

What The Holidays Mean to You

Well apparently, this is what they mean to me....I'd love to hear everyone else's results!

What The Holidays Mean to You

For you, the holidays are about emotional connections and bonds. You are happiest being around those you love.

You celebrate the holidays in a offbeat style. You believe the holidays are for doing whatever you feel like - and some of your "traditions" are pretty wacky.

During the holidays, you feel magical. You love all of the decorations and how happy people are. You like to sit back and take it all in.

You think the holidays should be nostalgic and sweet. The holidays bring out your inner child.

Your best holiday memories are of childhood foods and traditions. You secretly still wish you believed in Santa Claus.

Friday Flash 55 - The Christmas Season is upon us!

Three men died and met Saint Peter.
"You must possess something symbolizing Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man held a lighter "It’s a candle"
St. Peter nodded.
The second held keys. "These are bells."

St. Peter nodded.
The third man held a pair of panties.
St. Peter raised his eyebrow
"These are Carol’s.”

Happy Friday!!!! Wanna try a 55? Get more information here.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Christmas Gift Idea -

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Article about Drinking - Beware!

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the sh* t out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tequila Christmas this looks YUMMY

Tequila Christmas Cake
2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.Bingle Jells!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Just a little holiday cheer.....

There's a Nun in Hooters!

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was alive with music, loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights turned off the place would erupt into thunderous cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf! "
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way" said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and into the restroom she went.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole crowd stopped laughing just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Curious, the nun went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand?" said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Wordless Wednesday (a day early)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

You Are The Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.
People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Holiday Tip #37

Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday 55

I can't waste time, so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back, got a new direction
I loved you once
Needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Ok, this is probably cheating, but my creative juices just aren't flowing today. This is the chorus of a song that I really like. It's actually 59 words, but hey, close enough, right? I chose it (1) because I heard it on my way to work this morning and it's stuck in my head, (2) because I have my own intrepatation of it and it's kind of fitting with some stuff that I've figured out about myself this year. The song is, I'm assuming, actually about a boyfriend or something that she's moved on from; but to me, it's more of a conversation between me and my former self. I've changed tremendously over the past year and overcome some really huge obstacles and when I hear this song, I picture myself talking to my "old" self. "She'll" always be a part of me, but it's time to move on and be a better person than I was. Sorry if that doesn't make sense...and sorry for breaking the rules!

Click the picture below to learn more about Friday Flash Fiction 55 or whatever it's called!

My morning lesson on coffee...

I am not a coffee drinker. I always thought there were two types of coffee...regular and decaf. I know black means nothing's in it...latte has something to do with steamed milk...and that's about as far as my coffee knowledge goes....that is, until this morning!

So, Chris' (my boss) birthday is on Sunday, so I brought in Kolaches for him (it's something we do for everyone's birthday)....His favorite ones are the ones from Kolache Rolf's which is on Texas Avenue where all the damn construction is...and of course there was a line out the door, so I didn't get to work until about 8:30.

I sat the kolaches down in the break room and I'm heading for my desk when I hear the phone ringing...I knew it was someone in the office because it rings and then was Chris informing me that there was going to be a meeting here at 9 and I needed to make a pot of coffee.

No problem, I thought...I've done that I'm getting the stuff ready and then realize that there's no coffee. So, I go tell Chris that and he says to go to get some....I was like, ok...what kind? He just gave me this blank stare and said he didn't care...he was "in a mood"...which was easily figured out why when I looked and saw Dave sitting in Chris's office (I don't know if I've told you about Dave yet...we call him THE ANNOYANCE...that should give you a little insight--I could go on and on, but this story is kind of long and I really don't feel like griping about him today). So I leave...I know that Chris usually keeps some kind of Starbucks coffee in there, so I went to Starbucks.

I get to Starbucks and at 8:45 am on a very chili day..of course they're busy. So I go to where the bags of coffee are and there's like a million different types. I didn't want to call and bug Chris again, so I start looking at all the different kinds of coffee drinkers are NUTS....ANYWAY, so this lady that's standing in line looks at me and asks if she can help. I told her my predicament.

She says I should go with a breakfast blend (WTF is a breakfast blend? Do they mix eggs and bacon in there or what????)

So there were like 40 types of breakfast blends and this girl that works there comes over and starts asking me what kind of meeting, how many people, what kind of people, etc. (I mean come on, seriously??) So, after telling this girl all about this meeting she gives me the one that she reccomends ($11 for a little bag!!!) Oh well...I'm not paying for it.....

So then she asks me, "Do you want me to grind that up?"

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I don't know.....I thought that's what the coffee maker did?

So she asks me what kind of coffee maker I have...I have no clue...ummm it's this big and this tall and black.....She asks me if the filters were like a cone or if they were round...that answer I actually knew...they're cone shaped.

So she tells me to go stand in line and she takes the bag to go grind it (whatever the hell that means).

I pay for it and she hands me the bag back. I stand there waiting for a few minutes thinking she did something with part of the stuff because it's a lot smaller now.

Finally, she asks me if I need anything else and I said I was waiting for the stuff you grinded...She says it's right's all ready to go.

Oh --- now I'm thinking I need to go dye my hair blonde because I feel like a COMPLETE idiot.

So then I get back to the office...and of course there are NO instructions on how to brew the crap and nobody in the office really drinks coffee so they were no help...until my knight in shining armour appears...the new guy Joe...who tells me he is a major coffee drinker...and I later found out that he's the reason we were out of coffee to begin he shows me how to do it and


I can go sit at my desk and go through my emails!!!!

Hope y'all got a kick out of that! Everyone here at the office sure did! At least it's FRIDAY!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels!!

Have you ever had one of those days where NOTHING goes right? That was my day yesterday for the most part. It wasn't a terrible day, but just one of those where when you finally get home, your nerves are just totally shot and you need about half a bottle of tequila to restore them....ok I am exaggerating a little. Yesterday, while I was at work, the heel of my left shoe broke off, which lead to my new nickname, "Sir Limpsalot" Yeah, so original, right? Yesterday was also a good friend of mine's birthday, and as we were leaving to take her to her birthday dinner, her pants ripped -- I mean all the way down her butt!!! So, after getting a good laugh, we came up with "Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels" as a saying that means something along the lines of stressful, annoying day.

So, on to my actual point of this babbling....believe it or not, there is one!

Thanksgiving is coming up. My hubby and I (along with Hurricane Derek -- believe me, the name is appropriate!) have been planning on going to see my grandmother. My mother is also there. The trip has been planned for about 4 months now. Yesterday (while attempting to glue my shoe back together) hubby calls me at work and lets me know that he may have to work Thanksgiving and might not be able to make the trip. He was so lucky that I was at work and there were people around or I probably would have lost it on him. He won't know until the day before Thanksgiving if he'll have to work or not....UGH!!!!!!!!!

So, possibly I get to make an 8 1/2 hour drive alone with a TODDLER in the back seat!!! I love my son very very very very very very much but it's sooooooooo hard to drive when someone is SCREAMING in the background and such.......but, driving alone with Hurricane Derek is really the least of my concerns.

The last time I saw my grandmother is in February. In March, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She's taken a pretty steady fall downward ever since. My mother has been there with her for most of it. My grandmother has always been a very strong woman. Always taking care of everyone and always with a smile on her face. She loved to laugh and make everyone else laugh -- maybe that's where I get my sense of humor --- she's always had very strong opinions though and was very eager to share them with you. Everything was always perfect. Her and my grandfather were married 56 years before he died (March 2006). They were such a great couple. They taught me what real love was.

Anyway...sorry, lost my train of from what my mother tells me, she's taken a real toll for the worst. She isn't able to talk much now and tires very easily. She's down to about 80 lbs which is really hard for me to imagine. Ever since I can remember, she's been about 140 - 150. My mom keeps telling me these things to try to prepare me to see her, but I'm afraid that it's not going to matter. I know when I see her, I'm going to break down. Which is why I NEED hubby there. I'm going to need some support....I know my mother isn't going to give it to me. Maybe I'm being childish, but I'm going to need someone to lean on...and my hubby is my rock. He always knows how to make me feel better, no matter what. He knows the right things to say.

Last year, the holidays were horrible; mainly because of me. I was suffering from post-partem depression and dealing with a bunch of other drama concerning my daughter (which still isn't over but I'm handling it better now). Hubby and I made a vow that this year was going to be so much better. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's..the whole "holiday season" was going to be the best...if not for us, then for Derek. Well, if he's not with us, it's not really better now is it? I don't want to make him feel bad, because I know he needs this job and I know it's pretty much out of his hands, but I NEED him with me. I keep praying for the phone call saying that he won't have to work.....I guess we'll find out next week.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

How to Handle Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Today's Friday 55...Sorry it's a little late!

My blonde neighbor ran up to me jumping for joy!

"Guess what!!!"


“I’m pregnant!”

"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

"There's more! We’re not having just one baby. We’re having TWINS!"

…How she knew that, you ask???????....

“Well, I got a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

This was inspired by a joke I got in my email today!! Click here to find out more about Friday 55.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

It's Flu Season Again...Let's keep everyone well this year!

Please do not forget your flu shot!!!!
The First Half of this makes sense, but I like the second half better.

Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits & veggies.
Take your vitamins & bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...When you go for a shot,what do they do first?They Clean your arm with alcohol...Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,flu germs can't get you!

Monday, November 5, 2007

What is wrong with me???????

Well, I haven't ranted and raved in a while, so I guess I'm due a good venting!

First of all, something is wrong with me and I don't know what. I've got it pretty good. My significant other works his butt off at a job he hates and comes home and (usually) helps me out with the baby and stuff. Lately, I've gotten really lazy. I get home and I just want to plop on the couch and not move...pretty much leaving him to get dinner ready and the baby fed and bathed and put down. I don't even know why I'm being like this either. I know I do have a right to be tired. I work all day, same as him, but I love my job and it's not the least bit stressful or physically strenuous like his is. I just can't seem to get my butt in gear. If you're reading this honey, I'm sorry!

Not only that, but I've been really short with him lately. I've been getting mad at him for the dumbest stuff. Actually, I've kinda had a short temper with everyone lately. I have a lot going on in my ex-husband that needs to get a freakin life, my dad just had surgery, my grandmother has cancer and isn't doing so hot, money's been really tight, etc.....but I don't want to deal with ANY of it. I keep telling myself that if I don't think about it, then it will go away. I know that's not the "healthy" thing to do, but it's easier for me.

I keep thinking about the past...back when my biggest problem was what I was going to wear on Saturday night, or what excuse I was going to give my mom when I just had to stay out later than my curfew...where did those days go? I miss being carefree. I guess everyone does. I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. So many choices I wish I could take back. There is so much I would do differently, but if I were able to go back, I wouldn't be who I am today....and I gotta say, I'm pretty proud of who I have become. There was a time when I was just a total mess. I was pathetic.....that person is gone now. I finally snapped out of that and realized that I can overcome any obstacle......which leads me to believe that I will snap out of this lazy, bitchy stage that I'm in now.......ok I'm not sure what the whole point of this blog was, but I feel a little better now!

Smile! A new day is coming!