Wow, I've been gone a while!!!!

I didn't realize that it had been so long since I posted anything. My friend Jadey sent me a comment that was delivered to my email and that's what prompted me to check out my blog and I saw that it's been nearly two months since I posted anything.

Well, things have been insanely crazy lately. My grandmother passed away right before Christmas and things just haven't been right ever since then. Not only has my family been grieving the loss, but we're also dealing with my greedy mother cheating us (my sister and brother and I) out of our inheritance and other things....long story that I don't want to get too much into.

I went to court the beginning of this month and got my visitation reestablished with my daughter....unfortunately, I'm still waiting on the official court order.

My son is growing like a weed and is getting so smart. It's amazing watching him grow and learn new things every day. He can now say "hi" and "bye-bye" and knows what they mean. He's also managed to say his version of Bella and Frankie (our dogs) and they know when he's talking to them. It's too cute!!

Speaking of the dogs, Frankie is a new addition to our family. We got him around my birthday (January 19). He's a full-blooded Bassett Hound. Bella is a Beagle. They have the exact same coloring. They get alone well for the most part -- Frankie likes to try to steal Bella's food and she let's him know who's boss! They are both great with my son though.

My husband started a new job a little over a month ago on drilling oil wells. He works a week out of town and then is off a week. It was really hard at first, but I'm getting used to it. The weeks he's gone seem to go by pretty fast so far -- but that's probably because I've been so busy. He comes home tomorrow night and I can't wait!!!!

Oh and probably one of the biggest changes is that I'm starting my own business. I've been sort of looking into online business opportunities for a while now. Most are scams and the ones that aren't scams, aren't really anything that I want to do. It seems like nearly everything out there is network marketing.....and from my experience, you end up spending more time recruiting new members than actually selling a product. I don't like that. Anyway, I've found something that I think I will really enjoy and that I will be good at. I'm starting a home-based travel agency. And it's not one of those you see advertised everywhere. I really did my homework and found a legitimate host agency that has lots of experience and is a member of NACTA (National Association of Commissioned Travel Agents). I contacted some of the agents working for this company (and there is no commission on getting referrals!) and they all had wonderful things to say. I'm still learning a lot, but have gone through training for about 2 weeks now. I'm ready to start booking!!!! Woo hoo! It's so exciting. I have a website where people can book their own travel (www.distantdestinations.joystar.com) or you can contact me by email (sophia@distantdestinations.tk) for more information. I'm working on getting an 800 number as well as some business cards. I've got some really great deals to offer, so if you're interested, please let me know!!!

Well, that's pretty much it for now. I miss all you guys, so hit me up if you wanna chat!!!! Laters!!!

Dear Holiday Shoppers...

Hi there. Aren't you just precious in your knit cap, Starbucks in hand, ready to take on the world one purchase at a time. But before you do, hyped-up holiday consumer, a few things that you may want to consider.....

1- Unless you are a recent immigrant, or you are standing in a dorm shower, these are not o.k.:

2- Contrary to the Bath and Body Works marketing machine, a girl really CAN have too many bath gels, soaps, lotions and body sprays. I have a closet full of them. I have enough of this stuff to hide the stench of the body that I also have stuffed into the aforementioned closet. When you buy a woman an array of bath and body products you are sending the following messages:
a- I don't know your middle name
b- your standard of personal hygiene is sub-par at best, but possibly criminal.
c- if you are a man buying this for a woman you are sending the message: i've never seen you naked, and never hope to
d- you're getting this gift only because you gave me one
e- REGIFT!

3- If you buy your daughter a Bratz doll for Christmas, might I suggest a pole for her birthday? Bratz dolls are a gateway purchase to penicillin. I'm just saying......

Also, if you are pushing a stroller and you cannot navigate the aisles of a store, it means that you are too old to be shopping there. Just move on, there's a Banana Republic near the food court.

Anything that can be purchased at a kiosk will be re-gifted. An aromatherapy pillow that you can microwave and apply to the shoulders? Really, people? The only exception to this rule is Hickory Farms. Everyone loves sausage. Even Hindus would risk it all if they only knew....if they only knew.....

Lingerie is not a gift for a woman, it is a gift for a man. Here are a few of Victoria's Secrets too, always purchase a size medium. If he gets her a size L or XL, then he is sending the message that he thinks she's fat. If he gets her a small, he's telling her she needs to lose weight.

Well, my festive little friends, go forth and plunder the local shopping mall in haste. Just remember, if you don't spend enough on your friends and family, they won't love you anymore and a little sugar plum fairy will fall down dead.

Happy Holidays!

Online Shopping to make money!!!

This is a really cool site. I'm absolutely addicted to online shopping, and here is a way to actually make money while doing it!!! You don't have to sell anything and it's 100% free to join. Please check it out. You won't hurt my feelings if you're not interested!

Is this for real?

FOR WORDLESS WEDNESDAY, SCROLL DOWN


Ok...I heard something on the radio today that I thought was completely insane, but turns out, it has been a very common practice since the 70s -- licking toads!

What?????? Besides being totally grossed out by this, all I could think about was why on earth would you want to put your tongue on a nasty little toad? Apparently, you can get high from licking a certain toad.

What I want to know is, who on earth discovered this????

Wait, there's more....not only can you lick it, but someone actually figured out a way to smoke the venom!!

I swear, people are crazy!!!!

I would post some info that I found on this topic, but I don't want to give any knuckleheads out there any ideas!!!!!

Craziness!!!

My morning lesson on coffee...

I am not a coffee drinker. I always thought there were two types of coffee...regular and decaf. I know black means nothing's in it...latte has something to do with steamed milk...and that's about as far as my coffee knowledge goes....that is, until this morning!

So, Chris' (my boss) birthday is on Sunday, so I brought in Kolaches for him (it's something we do for everyone's birthday)....His favorite ones are the ones from Kolache Rolf's which is on Texas Avenue where all the damn construction is...and of course there was a line out the door, so I didn't get to work until about 8:30.

I sat the kolaches down in the break room and I'm heading for my desk when I hear the phone ringing...I knew it was someone in the office because it rings and then beeps...it was Chris informing me that there was going to be a meeting here at 9 and I needed to make a pot of coffee.

No problem, I thought...I've done that before...so I'm getting the stuff ready and then realize that there's no coffee. So, I go tell Chris that and he says to go to get some....I was like, ok...what kind? He just gave me this blank stare and said he didn't care...he was "in a mood"...which was easily figured out why when I looked and saw Dave sitting in Chris's office (I don't know if I've told you about Dave yet...we call him THE ANNOYANCE...that should give you a little insight--I could go on and on, but this story is kind of long and I really don't feel like griping about him today). So I leave...I know that Chris usually keeps some kind of Starbucks coffee in there, so I went to Starbucks.

I get to Starbucks and at 8:45 am on a very chili day..of course they're busy. So I go to where the bags of coffee are and there's like a million different types. I didn't want to call and bug Chris again, so I start looking at all the different kinds of coffee..you coffee drinkers are NUTS....ANYWAY, so this lady that's standing in line looks at me and asks if she can help. I told her my predicament.

She says I should go with a breakfast blend (WTF is a breakfast blend? Do they mix eggs and bacon in there or what????)

So there were like 40 types of breakfast blends and this girl that works there comes over and starts asking me what kind of meeting, how many people, what kind of people, etc. (I mean come on, seriously??) So, after telling this girl all about this meeting she gives me the one that she reccomends ($11 for a little bag!!!) Oh well...I'm not paying for it.....

So then she asks me, "Do you want me to grind that up?"

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I don't know.....I thought that's what the coffee maker did?

So she asks me what kind of coffee maker I have...I have no clue...ummm it's this big and this tall and black.....She asks me if the filters were like a cone or if they were round...that answer I actually knew...they're cone shaped.

So she tells me to go stand in line and she takes the bag to go grind it (whatever the hell that means).

I pay for it and she hands me the bag back. I stand there waiting for a few minutes thinking she did something with part of the stuff because it's a lot smaller now.

Finally, she asks me if I need anything else and I said I was waiting for the stuff you grinded...She says it's right there..it's all ready to go.

Oh --- now I'm thinking I need to go dye my hair blonde because I feel like a COMPLETE idiot.

So then I get back to the office...and of course there are NO instructions on how to brew the crap and nobody in the office really drinks coffee so they were no help...until my knight in shining armour appears...the new guy Joe...who tells me he is a major coffee drinker...and I later found out that he's the reason we were out of coffee to begin with.......so he shows me how to do it and

FINALLY

I can go sit at my desk and go through my emails!!!!

Hope y'all got a kick out of that! Everyone here at the office sure did! At least it's FRIDAY!

Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels!!

Have you ever had one of those days where NOTHING goes right? That was my day yesterday for the most part. It wasn't a terrible day, but just one of those where when you finally get home, your nerves are just totally shot and you need about half a bottle of tequila to restore them....ok I am exaggerating a little. Yesterday, while I was at work, the heel of my left shoe broke off, which lead to my new nickname, "Sir Limpsalot" Yeah, so original, right? Yesterday was also a good friend of mine's birthday, and as we were leaving to take her to her birthday dinner, her pants ripped -- I mean all the way down her butt!!! So, after getting a good laugh, we came up with "Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels" as a saying that means something along the lines of stressful, annoying day.

So, on to my actual point of this babbling....believe it or not, there is one!

Thanksgiving is coming up. My hubby and I (along with Hurricane Derek -- believe me, the name is appropriate!) have been planning on going to see my grandmother. My mother is also there. The trip has been planned for about 4 months now. Yesterday (while attempting to glue my shoe back together) hubby calls me at work and lets me know that he may have to work Thanksgiving and might not be able to make the trip. He was so lucky that I was at work and there were people around or I probably would have lost it on him. He won't know until the day before Thanksgiving if he'll have to work or not....UGH!!!!!!!!!

So, possibly I get to make an 8 1/2 hour drive alone with a TODDLER in the back seat!!! I love my son very very very very very very much but it's sooooooooo hard to drive when someone is SCREAMING in the background and such.......but, driving alone with Hurricane Derek is really the least of my concerns.

The last time I saw my grandmother is in February. In March, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She's taken a pretty steady fall downward ever since. My mother has been there with her for most of it. My grandmother has always been a very strong woman. Always taking care of everyone and always with a smile on her face. She loved to laugh and make everyone else laugh -- maybe that's where I get my sense of humor --- she's always had very strong opinions though and was very eager to share them with you. Everything was always perfect. Her and my grandfather were married 56 years before he died (March 2006). They were such a great couple. They taught me what real love was.

Anyway...sorry, lost my train of thought....so from what my mother tells me, she's taken a real toll for the worst. She isn't able to talk much now and tires very easily. She's down to about 80 lbs which is really hard for me to imagine. Ever since I can remember, she's been about 140 - 150. My mom keeps telling me these things to try to prepare me to see her, but I'm afraid that it's not going to matter. I know when I see her, I'm going to break down. Which is why I NEED hubby there. I'm going to need some support....I know my mother isn't going to give it to me. Maybe I'm being childish, but I'm going to need someone to lean on...and my hubby is my rock. He always knows how to make me feel better, no matter what. He knows the right things to say.

Last year, the holidays were horrible; mainly because of me. I was suffering from post-partem depression and dealing with a bunch of other drama concerning my daughter (which still isn't over but I'm handling it better now). Hubby and I made a vow that this year was going to be so much better. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's..the whole "holiday season" was going to be the best...if not for us, then for Derek. Well, if he's not with us, it's not really better now is it? I don't want to make him feel bad, because I know he needs this job and I know it's pretty much out of his hands, but I NEED him with me. I keep praying for the phone call saying that he won't have to work.....I guess we'll find out next week.

What is wrong with me???????

Well, I haven't ranted and raved in a while, so I guess I'm due a good venting!

First of all, something is wrong with me and I don't know what. I've got it pretty good. My significant other works his butt off at a job he hates and comes home and (usually) helps me out with the baby and stuff. Lately, I've gotten really lazy. I get home and I just want to plop on the couch and not move...pretty much leaving him to get dinner ready and the baby fed and bathed and put down. I don't even know why I'm being like this either. I know I do have a right to be tired. I work all day, same as him, but I love my job and it's not the least bit stressful or physically strenuous like his is. I just can't seem to get my butt in gear. If you're reading this honey, I'm sorry!

Not only that, but I've been really short with him lately. I've been getting mad at him for the dumbest stuff. Actually, I've kinda had a short temper with everyone lately. I have a lot going on in my life...an ex-husband that needs to get a freakin life, my dad just had surgery, my grandmother has cancer and isn't doing so hot, money's been really tight, etc.....but I don't want to deal with ANY of it. I keep telling myself that if I don't think about it, then it will go away. I know that's not the "healthy" thing to do, but it's easier for me.

I keep thinking about the past...back when my biggest problem was what I was going to wear on Saturday night, or what excuse I was going to give my mom when I just had to stay out later than my curfew...where did those days go? I miss being carefree. I guess everyone does. I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. So many choices I wish I could take back. There is so much I would do differently, but if I were able to go back, I wouldn't be who I am today....and I gotta say, I'm pretty proud of who I have become. There was a time when I was just a total mess. I was pathetic.....that person is gone now. I finally snapped out of that and realized that I can overcome any obstacle......which leads me to believe that I will snap out of this lazy, bitchy stage that I'm in now.......ok I'm not sure what the whole point of this blog was, but I feel a little better now!


Smile! A new day is coming!

Blah blah blah...

Okay so I'm in the mood to rant and rave and babble so please bare with me. I'm sick with an upper respirtory infection and I don't care what anyone says, I think it's going to kill me!!! I'm just plain miserable -- and to make matters worse, NOBODY seems to care. My son doesn't care, but he's 1 so I don't really mind that he doesn't care. I'm just trying not to give it to him. From the sound of his cough and the gunk oozing out of his nose this morning, I don't think I did a very good job. He doesn't seem to care though...as long as he has his sippy cup and animal crackers, he's a happy camper.

My dad doesn't seem to care either -- but then again, he did just have major surgery so again, I can't blame him too much for that. I'm also desperately trying to keep him from getting sick. That's the LAST thing he needs.

Then there's my dearly devoted significant other...domestic partner...baby daddy? Hell I don't know what to call him anymore. We're not married...even though the state of Texas thinks differently...we're NOT married....whoa sorry, drifting off subject here. Okay yeah I know he's been working a LOT of hours lately -- 88 hours last week alone -- but wouldn't you think he'd have a little compassion for me??? NONE whatsoever. Saturday, he dragged (or is it drug?) me all around town because he needed new work boots (that were nearly $200!!! But when I want a $200 pair of shoes, what does he say then????) Anyway, so we went all over town looking for these stupid boots while I'm sick and Derek was fussy because it was hot....then we get home and does he even offer to help with anything????? All I wanted to do was lay in bed and get some MUCH NEEDED rest...is that too much to ask? Well apparantly it was....we get home and my dad needs this and that and Derek has a dirty diaper, there's dishes piled up, piles of laundry everywhere, someone spilled milk all over the kitchen floor...and where is my darling honey???? ON THE #$#%%@# COMPUTER CHECKING THE @%%^^@@$#% COLLEGE FOOTBALL SCORES!! Talk about being completely pi$$ed off.....

Anyway, so after huffing and puffing and sighing really loud, he finally got the hint and started helping out....then doesn't understand why I'm still upset after we got it all done. I swear men are such idiots!!! Then I get to hear about how hard his job is yadda yadda yadda...well I work 40 hours a week (yes I know it's not 88 but boo freakin hoo) after work, I get pick Derek up and go home and work for a few more hours....does he not think that taking care of a toddler is work? Plus, I have my dad recovering from surgery to take care of and I'm sick! When he's sick, the world is supposed to stop turning, but when I'm sick it's "no big deal"

AHHHHHH ! Ok...sorry but just had to vent a little bit.

So, how is everyone else doing???

Something to laugh about today

If you're looking for my Wordless Wednesday post, please scroll down..although you are always welcome to comment on any of my posts!

Sometimes a name change is the best idea...

This could cause some problems...

How do you get there from here?

Everything you need for your redneck wedding!

It's a good deal, but... oh, the college costs!

McLogic gone wrong...

Well isn't this romantic?

Still Dead, Huh???........Go Figure...

"Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News..."

I'm Confused.. But The Gas Prices Look Good

ok ...

Make up your mind...

Stolen from Jadey!

This was originally on Galen's blog but I saw it on Jadey's and decided I wanted to play too. So come on if I can so can you.

1. What was the first blog that you regularly read? Ambre's
2. Do you remember the first" blogger" that you had an E-Mail Relationship with?
Yes, and we still do.
3.Why did you create your blog? Because it was fun and something different to do.
4. When was your first post, and who was your first commenter? If you really want to know, check my archives!
5. Are there blogs that you absolutely have to visit daily? Not really, but there are a few that I really enjoy.
6. Is your Blog categorized?..(I.E. Comedy, Literary, Personal Angst, Etc.) nope, it's really random
7. Do you see an end to your blogging some day? not in sight
8. What are you wearing right this very minute?....well, sorry to burst your bubble, but I am at work right now -- I have khaki pants and a blue button down shirt on.

My lack of blog posts....

I've gotten some emails from people lately wondering where I've been and why I haven't been posting and sending funny emails lately....sorry guys!

I've been extremely stressed out lately. First of all, I was supposed to go to court today to get my visitation fixed with my daughter and once again that was postponed. I've seriously had it with the court system. His lawyer is a real B***H and is finding every way possible to postpone the hearing.

My car decided that it wanted to piss me off as well. Something is wrong with the transmission. It won't go in to reverse at all and now it's not wanting to go into drive either....it's a POS car that I've hated since I got it anyway. I owe way more than the car is worth even without transmission problems. It only has 51,000 miles on it, but it acts like it has 200,000...ugh and the dealership wants $1,000 just to look at it!!!!!!! WHATEVER! So, I took it back to the dealership I got it from and the sales guy that I bought it from has been really helpful. He's giving me what I owe on the car as a trade-in and has found me a Jeep Liberty...which is something I've wanted since they came out...in my price range. I just gotta wait for my bank to ok it and of course he's been super busy this week.....ugh do people not understand that I need a vehicle to get back and forth to work???? Yeah so that's that....

Plus I've been busy on this site called Sparkpeople. I really like this site. It's for losing weight and/or just getting healthy. It has all kinds of stuff to do and look at. It's my new addiction! I guess all the stress I've been under the past couple years has taken it's toll and I've gained quite a bit of weight and now my main focus is losing it. So, I'm going to the gym and eating better and Sparkpeople is a great support system.

So that's what I've been up to...don't worry, I'll get the funnies back in no time!

My next life...

My Next Life...
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then...
you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

Highway Artwork

HERE IS A SERIES OF 7 SEMI-TRAILER TRUCKS THAT HAVE BEEN PAINTED BY A 'TROMPE L'OEIL' ARTIST. (TROMPE L'OEIL IS FRENCH FOR 'FOOL THE EYE'). HOPE THEY DID NOT CAUSE ANY WRECKS!!

1) TRAILER PAINTED TO LOOK AS IF THE SIDE AND BACK ARE OPEN, AND A GIANT BOTTLE OF FOREIGN BEER IS STICKING OUT OF THE TRAILER .

2) ENTIRE TRAILER IS PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE A GIANT CANVAS TOTE BAG. THE STRAP APPEARS TO JUT OUT, BUT IT IS ALL A FLAT SURFACE.

3) THE TRAILER IS PAINTED TO LOOK OPEN, WITH CASES OF PEPSI-COLA IN STACKS, SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING, AND THE BOTTOM OF THE TRAILER IS EMPTY.

4) TRAILER HAS BEEN PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE THE FRONT OF A TRUCK,COMPLETE WITH A WINDSHIELD AND A TRUCKDRIVER PAINTED IN THE? 'DRIVER'S SEAT'. HE IS LOOKING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER TO APPEAR AS IF HE IS DRIVING BACKWARD.

5) PAINTED AS A BEAUTIFUL, LIGHTED AQUARIUM WITH FISH SWIMMING IN IT AND 'LIVE' VEGETATION.

6) ANOTHER FOREIGN AD -- THIS ONE A SHELF LINED FULL WITH BOOKS AND A POST-IT NOTE WITH THE NUMBER. THE BACK HAS A CORK BULLETIN BOARD.

7) THE LAST ONE IS FOR PRINGLES HOT & SPICY....WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELF.....

Things you don't see everyday...

Last Night....

Let me start by telling you a little about the Brazos Valley Bombers. This was their first year in the Texas Collegiate League, which is a summer baseball league. The teams are made up entirely of college players, giving them a chance to play with wood bats, in a minor league style environment, and in front of Major League scouts. If you know anything at all about me, you know that I'm a huge baseball fan.....and a die hard Yankees fan. The games are always fun. In the beginning, we wanted to go to a lot of games, but because of the rain and the heat we were only able to catch a couple.

Last night was a playoff game. I didn't really have any intentions on going. It was over 100 degrees yesterday and I was tired....but I was listening to the radio and I heard about this contest they were having. They were going to be giving away over $7500 worth of jewels. 19 blue topazes worth $250 each and 1 diamond worth $2500. That's all the information they would give out. That's all I needed to hear though. Diamonds and baseball???? That's total heaven for me. So I grabbed hubby and baby and said we're going to the game.

I really didn't think I was going to win. I never win anything and I could just imagine all the diamond crazed women that were going to be there. Still, I put on my lucky gear...a light blue tank top with Yankees written across the chest, and my Yankees Jersey with my lucky number 2 on the back. I also have a lucky Derek Jeter baseball cap, but I was scared I was going to mess it up so I just wore my regular Yankees cap.

My little Yankee-in-training also wore his lucky gear!

We got there and I was directed to go to the home dugout where I saw a growing group of ladies standing. While there, we were explained the rules. They had threw 80 stars in the outfield. There were 20 of each color - green, blue, gold and silver. They lined us up on the third baseline. There were 300 of us that got to participate. Round 1 was just trying to get one of the 80 stars.

So, we all lined up on the third baseline. This woman next to me kept inching up...people just can't play fair can they?? So finally the announcer said GO and we were off. I found a star and started reaching for it, but some b***h grabbed it first! UGH, so then I saw another one and started running for it. I saw another girl going after it too, so I just dove - just like Derek Jeter would have done!. I got it! I was so excited.

They had people holding up signs that had the colors written on them. I had a green star so I found the person holding the "Green" sign.

I'm the one in the Yankees get-up holding my star

They had written each color on a piece of paper and put it in a hat. They drew out the color green! Everyone that didn't have a green star had to leave the field. There were 20 of us left.



Each star had a number on it. They lined the 20 of us up by home plate. Then they started drawing numbers out of a hat. The last one standing won the diamond. He drew number after number after number and I was still standing there. I looked up at my sweetie as my knees started shaking...it was so nervewrecking the way they drew it out...it was like how they do it on those reality shows like American Idol....there were 4 of us left up there....he was taking his sweet time pulling the numbers out...but alas he picked my number. I wasn't too dissappointed though, I got a beautiful Blue Topaz.

I think the Topaz is actually prettier than the diamond...but that's my opinion. It was a lot of fun and I can't believe that I actually won something. Not to mention they showed it on the local news. My dad was watching and said he was laughing so hard because he saw me dive on the ground. It was so much fun!

My beautiful prize!

Practical Jokes!

My oh-so-sweet boyfriend thought it would be really funny to play a little joke on me this morning. He set my clock an hour ahead without me knowing! I got up and was ready to leave for work before I realized that it was only 6 - not 7! I was a little irritated, but it was no big deal. It gave me time to visit my myspace and fix it up a little. I can't get on myspace here at work and I usually don't have a chance to spend any "quality" internet time at home so I decided to give my page a makeover. It was then when I realized that I don't have any of my "helium" buddies on there. My profile is set to private because of my psycho stalker ex-husband so I'm a little uncomfortable posting it on here, but if you'd like to be a "myspace" friend, please leave a comment with your page and I'll add you.

Ponder this...

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2007

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30¢?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge.

"Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up likeevery two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?

Boring Weekends

Every Friday it seems as if everyone's main concern is "what are you doing this weekend?" Everybody wants to have big weekend plans filled with activity and nonstop fun. That's all fine and dandy, but is it really the end of the world if you don't have weekend plans? This past weekend I did absolutley NOTHING and LOVED it. Saturday I stayed in bed almost all day. It was raining outside and we just laid in bed and watched movies all day. It was nice. It's not often something you can accomplish with a baby, but I think my little guy was just as needy of a day of rest as we were. Yesterday was a little more active. There was a week's worth of laundry to be done and the house was a mess, so we cleaned it up and sat on our butts the remainder of the day! But, as they say, all good things must come to an end so here we are on Monday again. Another long week....hmmm wonder what we can do this weekend???