Friday Flash 55

He watched as the sun made her skin sparkle and the waves tickled her feet. He was startled as they made eye contact. She smiled, inviting him to join her in the sand. He couldn’t contain his excitement as he bent down next to her. Suddenly there was a horrific noise.... That damn alarm clock!

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HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!

Research shows that Garter snakes are more deadly than Rattlesnakes!!!

Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous and even deadly. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why:

A couple in Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked out into the living room to see what the problem was. His wife told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

The police arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

Wordless Wednesday -- Something to smile about...

Ok..so these weren't "wordless" but they were still really funny, right???

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Ask your doctor or pharmacist about this...

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can over come any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering whenYOU ARE NOT!
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over andover again that you love them.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers arereally dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically conversewith members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

Wordless Wednesday - It's Autumn

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How to be Politically Correct in Today's Society

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

His and Her Diaries

1. HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY
Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

Just a little Monday humor...

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

Manic Monday - Bat

With all the MLB records that were broke this year, there were many discussions and reports about steroids. But steroids isn't the only way professional baseball players cheat. Anyone remember what Sammy Sosa was caught doing in 2003? Corking his Bat. Sosa isn't the only player that's ever done it and probably won't be the last. But, I've always wondered just what corking a bat actually does. This is from http://www.slate.com/id/2083972/.

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Corking a bat lightens the lumber, which in turn increases bat speed and, the conventional wisdom holds, hit distance. Corkers typically drill a hole at the end of the bat, hollow out the "sweet spot," and fill it with wine corks or Superballs. The hole is then sealed with a combination of sawdust and pine tar. The result is a bat that's several ounces lighter than advertised, though still as long and thick as its heavier peers. A lighter bat, of course, is easier to whip through the strike zone.
The theoretical edge seems infinitesimal. Assume a corker reduces his bat's weight by 1.5 ounces. An average major league pitch travels from the pitcher's hand to the plate in a hair under half a second. The corked bat will give the hitter an additional five-thousandths of a second to see the pitch, judge it, and get the bat head moving through the strike zone.
A quicker bat may help a struggling hitter catch up with pitches, but it actually reduces his ability to smack long drives. The primary equation that determines a batted ball's distance is p = mv, where "p" is momentum, "m" is mass, and "v" is velocity. Though a corked bat will travel at a greater velocity, the tail-off in weight lessens the mass. As a result, sluggers like Sosa will actually see the length of their moon shots decrease. In his book The Physics of Baseball, Yale physicist Robert K. Adair estimated that a corked bat will shave about a yard off a 400-foot tater.
More likely to benefit, then, are slap hitters who specialize in singles. But the advantage is more psychological than anything else—a corked bat is essentially a placebo for hitters on the skids. They also splinter more readily, which makes catching the cheaters a lot easier. Rather than risk long suspensions, Adair advises, players should opt for lighter bats, perhaps by using a lighter grain of wood. Or they can just choke up three-quarters of an inch, which produces the same uptick in bat speed as corking.
Bonus Explainer: Surprisingly, the same major league baseball rules that outlaw corking make no mention of minimum or maximum bat weights, although there's a maximum length of 42 inches and a maximum diameter of 2.75 inches. The earliest set of codified rules for professionals, published in 1857, recommended bats that weighed up to 48 ounces. Today, given the abundance of pitchers who throw 95-mph cheese, players prefer much lighter bats; the current average weight is about 33 ounces.

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Friday Flash 55; Tasha's Wishes

Searching for seashells, Tasha found an old lamp, rubbed it, out came a genie. He said "You get three wishes, but your ex-husband gets double."
"I wish for a mansion."
“Granted.” her ex got two mansions.
"I want a million dollars."
“Done.” her ex got two million.
Then Tasha said, "Scare me half to death."

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Who's on First for today's generation...

Remember Abbott and Costello's "Who's on first" skit? Well, what would that be like in today's computer world????

Those who know Abbott and Costello, and computers, will fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please note...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their skit, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
C OSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows and wallpaper. I want a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click "START".............

Something to think about...

Wordless Wednesday -- Big Dog!

Moral of the story: Be nice to others because ... One day, you may not be the "BIG DOG"!

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Friday 55 - The Princess and the Suitor

The King desperately needed to find a suitor for the princess.
"The first to satisfy her will marry her and rule the kingdom!"
They came with jewelry, flowers, dresses and more, but got not even a smile.
Finally, a man bearing nothing asked, "What is your desire?"
She smiled and led him into her castle.

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Have a good weekend!

Lipstick on the mirror

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Why cake makes you fat...

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?

.. and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT

Interesting view from Chris Rock

Chris Rock said this and I thought it was really quite interesting/funny...

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick and Colon."

Wordless Wednesday - Extreme Pumkins

Happy Halloween!!!!

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The Blonde and the Sheriff

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant but she's right."

Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her best friend was waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Manic Monday -- Orange

What possessed Mo to choose Orange as our topic??? I don't even like the color orange -- well except for burnt orange, since I am a Texas Longhorn fan.

Hook 'em Horns

Other than that, I'm not too keen on the color orange. But, I did think this little "Orange Dude" was kinda cool:

So since I didn't know what to write about, I googled orange and learned that there is an Orange Rose. Roses are my favorite flower and I thought the Orange Rose was pretty cool too.



Well that's all I got for this week. Sorry, I'm sick today and don't have much brain power to come up with anything clever.



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Blah blah blah...

Okay so I'm in the mood to rant and rave and babble so please bare with me. I'm sick with an upper respirtory infection and I don't care what anyone says, I think it's going to kill me!!! I'm just plain miserable -- and to make matters worse, NOBODY seems to care. My son doesn't care, but he's 1 so I don't really mind that he doesn't care. I'm just trying not to give it to him. From the sound of his cough and the gunk oozing out of his nose this morning, I don't think I did a very good job. He doesn't seem to care though...as long as he has his sippy cup and animal crackers, he's a happy camper.

My dad doesn't seem to care either -- but then again, he did just have major surgery so again, I can't blame him too much for that. I'm also desperately trying to keep him from getting sick. That's the LAST thing he needs.

Then there's my dearly devoted significant other...domestic partner...baby daddy? Hell I don't know what to call him anymore. We're not married...even though the state of Texas thinks differently...we're NOT married....whoa sorry, drifting off subject here. Okay yeah I know he's been working a LOT of hours lately -- 88 hours last week alone -- but wouldn't you think he'd have a little compassion for me??? NONE whatsoever. Saturday, he dragged (or is it drug?) me all around town because he needed new work boots (that were nearly $200!!! But when I want a $200 pair of shoes, what does he say then????) Anyway, so we went all over town looking for these stupid boots while I'm sick and Derek was fussy because it was hot....then we get home and does he even offer to help with anything????? All I wanted to do was lay in bed and get some MUCH NEEDED rest...is that too much to ask? Well apparantly it was....we get home and my dad needs this and that and Derek has a dirty diaper, there's dishes piled up, piles of laundry everywhere, someone spilled milk all over the kitchen floor...and where is my darling honey???? ON THE #$#%%@# COMPUTER CHECKING THE @%%^^@@$#% COLLEGE FOOTBALL SCORES!! Talk about being completely pi$$ed off.....

Anyway, so after huffing and puffing and sighing really loud, he finally got the hint and started helping out....then doesn't understand why I'm still upset after we got it all done. I swear men are such idiots!!! Then I get to hear about how hard his job is yadda yadda yadda...well I work 40 hours a week (yes I know it's not 88 but boo freakin hoo) after work, I get pick Derek up and go home and work for a few more hours....does he not think that taking care of a toddler is work? Plus, I have my dad recovering from surgery to take care of and I'm sick! When he's sick, the world is supposed to stop turning, but when I'm sick it's "no big deal"

AHHHHHH ! Ok...sorry but just had to vent a little bit.

So, how is everyone else doing???