Friday, December 21, 2007

Friday Flash 55 - A trip to Home Depot...

Mary saw a teapot and asked the manager "How much?"
"$300." "Wow!" Mary exclaimed.

She described the hinge that Charlie had sent her for.
He went to get it and asked, "You wanna screw for that hinge?"
"No, but I will for the teapot."

And that’s why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Check this out to learn more about Friday Flash 55.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Wordless Wednesday...Snow Humor!!

To check out more Wordless Wednesday bloggers click here!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dear Holiday Shoppers...

Hi there. Aren't you just precious in your knit cap, Starbucks in hand, ready to take on the world one purchase at a time. But before you do, hyped-up holiday consumer, a few things that you may want to consider.....

1- Unless you are a recent immigrant, or you are standing in a dorm shower, these are not o.k.:

2- Contrary to the Bath and Body Works marketing machine, a girl really CAN have too many bath gels, soaps, lotions and body sprays. I have a closet full of them. I have enough of this stuff to hide the stench of the body that I also have stuffed into the aforementioned closet. When you buy a woman an array of bath and body products you are sending the following messages:

a- I don't know your middle name
b- your standard of personal hygiene is sub-par at best, but possibly criminal.
c- if you are a man buying this for a woman you are sending the message: i've never seen you naked, and never hope to
d- you're getting this gift only because you gave me one

3- If you buy your daughter a Bratz doll for Christmas, might I suggest a pole for her birthday? Bratz dolls are a gateway purchase to penicillin. I'm just saying......

Also, if you are pushing a stroller and you cannot navigate the aisles of a store, it means that you are too old to be shopping there. Just move on, there's a Banana Republic near the food court.

Anything that can be purchased at a kiosk will be re-gifted. An aromatherapy pillow that you can microwave and apply to the shoulders? Really, people? The only exception to this rule is Hickory Farms. Everyone loves sausage. Even Hindus would risk it all if they only knew....if they only knew.....

Lingerie is not a gift for a woman, it is a gift for a man. Here are a few of Victoria's Secrets too, always purchase a size medium. If he gets her a size L or XL, then he is sending the message that he thinks she's fat. If he gets her a small, he's telling her she needs to lose weight.

Well, my festive little friends, go forth and plunder the local shopping mall in haste. Just remember, if you don't spend enough on your friends and family, they won't love you anymore and a little sugar plum fairy will fall down dead.

Happy Holidays!

Online Shopping to make money!!!

This is a really cool site. I'm absolutely addicted to online shopping, and here is a way to actually make money while doing it!!! You don't have to sell anything and it's 100% free to join. Please check it out. You won't hurt my feelings if you're not interested!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wordless Wednesday....Ho Ho Ho!

Thursday, December 6, 2007


For the last departmental picnic: Management decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.

The Stella Awards!!!

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdictsin the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. These are also the people that vote in this country!

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the carwhen he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mentalAnguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson$500,000 for his anguish.

We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on achain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch.3RD PLACE:

Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What ever happened to people being responsible fortheir own actions?Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs.. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...or what?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Is this for real?


Ok...I heard something on the radio today that I thought was completely insane, but turns out, it has been a very common practice since the 70s -- licking toads!

What?????? Besides being totally grossed out by this, all I could think about was why on earth would you want to put your tongue on a nasty little toad? Apparently, you can get high from licking a certain toad.

What I want to know is, who on earth discovered this????

Wait, there's more....not only can you lick it, but someone actually figured out a way to smoke the venom!!

I swear, people are crazy!!!!

I would post some info that I found on this topic, but I don't want to give any knuckleheads out there any ideas!!!!!


Wordless Wednesday

Friday, November 30, 2007

What The Holidays Mean to You

Well apparently, this is what they mean to me....I'd love to hear everyone else's results!

What The Holidays Mean to You

For you, the holidays are about emotional connections and bonds. You are happiest being around those you love.

You celebrate the holidays in a offbeat style. You believe the holidays are for doing whatever you feel like - and some of your "traditions" are pretty wacky.

During the holidays, you feel magical. You love all of the decorations and how happy people are. You like to sit back and take it all in.

You think the holidays should be nostalgic and sweet. The holidays bring out your inner child.

Your best holiday memories are of childhood foods and traditions. You secretly still wish you believed in Santa Claus.

Friday Flash 55 - The Christmas Season is upon us!

Three men died and met Saint Peter.
"You must possess something symbolizing Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man held a lighter "It’s a candle"
St. Peter nodded.
The second held keys. "These are bells."

St. Peter nodded.
The third man held a pair of panties.
St. Peter raised his eyebrow
"These are Carol’s.”

Happy Friday!!!! Wanna try a 55? Get more information here.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Christmas Gift Idea -

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Article about Drinking - Beware!

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the sh* t out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tequila Christmas this looks YUMMY

Tequila Christmas Cake
2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.Bingle Jells!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Just a little holiday cheer.....

There's a Nun in Hooters!

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was alive with music, loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights turned off the place would erupt into thunderous cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf! "
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way" said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and into the restroom she went.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole crowd stopped laughing just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Curious, the nun went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand?" said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Wordless Wednesday (a day early)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

You Are The Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.
People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Holiday Tip #37

Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday 55

I can't waste time, so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back, got a new direction
I loved you once
Needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Ok, this is probably cheating, but my creative juices just aren't flowing today. This is the chorus of a song that I really like. It's actually 59 words, but hey, close enough, right? I chose it (1) because I heard it on my way to work this morning and it's stuck in my head, (2) because I have my own intrepatation of it and it's kind of fitting with some stuff that I've figured out about myself this year. The song is, I'm assuming, actually about a boyfriend or something that she's moved on from; but to me, it's more of a conversation between me and my former self. I've changed tremendously over the past year and overcome some really huge obstacles and when I hear this song, I picture myself talking to my "old" self. "She'll" always be a part of me, but it's time to move on and be a better person than I was. Sorry if that doesn't make sense...and sorry for breaking the rules!

Click the picture below to learn more about Friday Flash Fiction 55 or whatever it's called!

My morning lesson on coffee...

I am not a coffee drinker. I always thought there were two types of coffee...regular and decaf. I know black means nothing's in it...latte has something to do with steamed milk...and that's about as far as my coffee knowledge goes....that is, until this morning!

So, Chris' (my boss) birthday is on Sunday, so I brought in Kolaches for him (it's something we do for everyone's birthday)....His favorite ones are the ones from Kolache Rolf's which is on Texas Avenue where all the damn construction is...and of course there was a line out the door, so I didn't get to work until about 8:30.

I sat the kolaches down in the break room and I'm heading for my desk when I hear the phone ringing...I knew it was someone in the office because it rings and then was Chris informing me that there was going to be a meeting here at 9 and I needed to make a pot of coffee.

No problem, I thought...I've done that I'm getting the stuff ready and then realize that there's no coffee. So, I go tell Chris that and he says to go to get some....I was like, ok...what kind? He just gave me this blank stare and said he didn't care...he was "in a mood"...which was easily figured out why when I looked and saw Dave sitting in Chris's office (I don't know if I've told you about Dave yet...we call him THE ANNOYANCE...that should give you a little insight--I could go on and on, but this story is kind of long and I really don't feel like griping about him today). So I leave...I know that Chris usually keeps some kind of Starbucks coffee in there, so I went to Starbucks.

I get to Starbucks and at 8:45 am on a very chili day..of course they're busy. So I go to where the bags of coffee are and there's like a million different types. I didn't want to call and bug Chris again, so I start looking at all the different kinds of coffee drinkers are NUTS....ANYWAY, so this lady that's standing in line looks at me and asks if she can help. I told her my predicament.

She says I should go with a breakfast blend (WTF is a breakfast blend? Do they mix eggs and bacon in there or what????)

So there were like 40 types of breakfast blends and this girl that works there comes over and starts asking me what kind of meeting, how many people, what kind of people, etc. (I mean come on, seriously??) So, after telling this girl all about this meeting she gives me the one that she reccomends ($11 for a little bag!!!) Oh well...I'm not paying for it.....

So then she asks me, "Do you want me to grind that up?"

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I don't know.....I thought that's what the coffee maker did?

So she asks me what kind of coffee maker I have...I have no clue...ummm it's this big and this tall and black.....She asks me if the filters were like a cone or if they were round...that answer I actually knew...they're cone shaped.

So she tells me to go stand in line and she takes the bag to go grind it (whatever the hell that means).

I pay for it and she hands me the bag back. I stand there waiting for a few minutes thinking she did something with part of the stuff because it's a lot smaller now.

Finally, she asks me if I need anything else and I said I was waiting for the stuff you grinded...She says it's right's all ready to go.

Oh --- now I'm thinking I need to go dye my hair blonde because I feel like a COMPLETE idiot.

So then I get back to the office...and of course there are NO instructions on how to brew the crap and nobody in the office really drinks coffee so they were no help...until my knight in shining armour appears...the new guy Joe...who tells me he is a major coffee drinker...and I later found out that he's the reason we were out of coffee to begin he shows me how to do it and


I can go sit at my desk and go through my emails!!!!

Hope y'all got a kick out of that! Everyone here at the office sure did! At least it's FRIDAY!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels!!

Have you ever had one of those days where NOTHING goes right? That was my day yesterday for the most part. It wasn't a terrible day, but just one of those where when you finally get home, your nerves are just totally shot and you need about half a bottle of tequila to restore them....ok I am exaggerating a little. Yesterday, while I was at work, the heel of my left shoe broke off, which lead to my new nickname, "Sir Limpsalot" Yeah, so original, right? Yesterday was also a good friend of mine's birthday, and as we were leaving to take her to her birthday dinner, her pants ripped -- I mean all the way down her butt!!! So, after getting a good laugh, we came up with "Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels" as a saying that means something along the lines of stressful, annoying day.

So, on to my actual point of this babbling....believe it or not, there is one!

Thanksgiving is coming up. My hubby and I (along with Hurricane Derek -- believe me, the name is appropriate!) have been planning on going to see my grandmother. My mother is also there. The trip has been planned for about 4 months now. Yesterday (while attempting to glue my shoe back together) hubby calls me at work and lets me know that he may have to work Thanksgiving and might not be able to make the trip. He was so lucky that I was at work and there were people around or I probably would have lost it on him. He won't know until the day before Thanksgiving if he'll have to work or not....UGH!!!!!!!!!

So, possibly I get to make an 8 1/2 hour drive alone with a TODDLER in the back seat!!! I love my son very very very very very very much but it's sooooooooo hard to drive when someone is SCREAMING in the background and such.......but, driving alone with Hurricane Derek is really the least of my concerns.

The last time I saw my grandmother is in February. In March, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She's taken a pretty steady fall downward ever since. My mother has been there with her for most of it. My grandmother has always been a very strong woman. Always taking care of everyone and always with a smile on her face. She loved to laugh and make everyone else laugh -- maybe that's where I get my sense of humor --- she's always had very strong opinions though and was very eager to share them with you. Everything was always perfect. Her and my grandfather were married 56 years before he died (March 2006). They were such a great couple. They taught me what real love was.

Anyway...sorry, lost my train of from what my mother tells me, she's taken a real toll for the worst. She isn't able to talk much now and tires very easily. She's down to about 80 lbs which is really hard for me to imagine. Ever since I can remember, she's been about 140 - 150. My mom keeps telling me these things to try to prepare me to see her, but I'm afraid that it's not going to matter. I know when I see her, I'm going to break down. Which is why I NEED hubby there. I'm going to need some support....I know my mother isn't going to give it to me. Maybe I'm being childish, but I'm going to need someone to lean on...and my hubby is my rock. He always knows how to make me feel better, no matter what. He knows the right things to say.

Last year, the holidays were horrible; mainly because of me. I was suffering from post-partem depression and dealing with a bunch of other drama concerning my daughter (which still isn't over but I'm handling it better now). Hubby and I made a vow that this year was going to be so much better. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's..the whole "holiday season" was going to be the best...if not for us, then for Derek. Well, if he's not with us, it's not really better now is it? I don't want to make him feel bad, because I know he needs this job and I know it's pretty much out of his hands, but I NEED him with me. I keep praying for the phone call saying that he won't have to work.....I guess we'll find out next week.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

How to Handle Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Today's Friday 55...Sorry it's a little late!

My blonde neighbor ran up to me jumping for joy!

"Guess what!!!"


“I’m pregnant!”

"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

"There's more! We’re not having just one baby. We’re having TWINS!"

…How she knew that, you ask???????....

“Well, I got a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

This was inspired by a joke I got in my email today!! Click here to find out more about Friday 55.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

It's Flu Season Again...Let's keep everyone well this year!

Please do not forget your flu shot!!!!
The First Half of this makes sense, but I like the second half better.

Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits & veggies.
Take your vitamins & bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...When you go for a shot,what do they do first?They Clean your arm with alcohol...Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,flu germs can't get you!

Monday, November 5, 2007

What is wrong with me???????

Well, I haven't ranted and raved in a while, so I guess I'm due a good venting!

First of all, something is wrong with me and I don't know what. I've got it pretty good. My significant other works his butt off at a job he hates and comes home and (usually) helps me out with the baby and stuff. Lately, I've gotten really lazy. I get home and I just want to plop on the couch and not move...pretty much leaving him to get dinner ready and the baby fed and bathed and put down. I don't even know why I'm being like this either. I know I do have a right to be tired. I work all day, same as him, but I love my job and it's not the least bit stressful or physically strenuous like his is. I just can't seem to get my butt in gear. If you're reading this honey, I'm sorry!

Not only that, but I've been really short with him lately. I've been getting mad at him for the dumbest stuff. Actually, I've kinda had a short temper with everyone lately. I have a lot going on in my ex-husband that needs to get a freakin life, my dad just had surgery, my grandmother has cancer and isn't doing so hot, money's been really tight, etc.....but I don't want to deal with ANY of it. I keep telling myself that if I don't think about it, then it will go away. I know that's not the "healthy" thing to do, but it's easier for me.

I keep thinking about the past...back when my biggest problem was what I was going to wear on Saturday night, or what excuse I was going to give my mom when I just had to stay out later than my curfew...where did those days go? I miss being carefree. I guess everyone does. I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. So many choices I wish I could take back. There is so much I would do differently, but if I were able to go back, I wouldn't be who I am today....and I gotta say, I'm pretty proud of who I have become. There was a time when I was just a total mess. I was pathetic.....that person is gone now. I finally snapped out of that and realized that I can overcome any obstacle......which leads me to believe that I will snap out of this lazy, bitchy stage that I'm in now.......ok I'm not sure what the whole point of this blog was, but I feel a little better now!

Smile! A new day is coming!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Friday Flash 55

He watched as the sun made her skin sparkle and the waves tickled her feet. He was startled as they made eye contact. She smiled, inviting him to join her in the sand. He couldn’t contain his excitement as he bent down next to her. Suddenly there was a horrific noise.... That damn alarm clock!

Click the picture to find out how to play!


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Research shows that Garter snakes are more deadly than Rattlesnakes!!!

Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous and even deadly. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why:

A couple in Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked out into the living room to see what the problem was. His wife told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

The police arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Wordless Wednesday -- Something to smile about... these weren't "wordless" but they were still really funny, right???
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