Friday, December 21, 2007

Friday Flash 55 - A trip to Home Depot...

Mary saw a teapot and asked the manager "How much?"
"$300." "Wow!" Mary exclaimed.

She described the hinge that Charlie had sent her for.
He went to get it and asked, "You wanna screw for that hinge?"
"No, but I will for the teapot."

And that’s why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Check this out to learn more about Friday Flash 55.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Wordless Wednesday...Snow Humor!!

To check out more Wordless Wednesday bloggers click here!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dear Holiday Shoppers...

Hi there. Aren't you just precious in your knit cap, Starbucks in hand, ready to take on the world one purchase at a time. But before you do, hyped-up holiday consumer, a few things that you may want to consider.....

1- Unless you are a recent immigrant, or you are standing in a dorm shower, these are not o.k.:

2- Contrary to the Bath and Body Works marketing machine, a girl really CAN have too many bath gels, soaps, lotions and body sprays. I have a closet full of them. I have enough of this stuff to hide the stench of the body that I also have stuffed into the aforementioned closet. When you buy a woman an array of bath and body products you are sending the following messages:

a- I don't know your middle name
b- your standard of personal hygiene is sub-par at best, but possibly criminal.
c- if you are a man buying this for a woman you are sending the message: i've never seen you naked, and never hope to
d- you're getting this gift only because you gave me one

3- If you buy your daughter a Bratz doll for Christmas, might I suggest a pole for her birthday? Bratz dolls are a gateway purchase to penicillin. I'm just saying......

Also, if you are pushing a stroller and you cannot navigate the aisles of a store, it means that you are too old to be shopping there. Just move on, there's a Banana Republic near the food court.

Anything that can be purchased at a kiosk will be re-gifted. An aromatherapy pillow that you can microwave and apply to the shoulders? Really, people? The only exception to this rule is Hickory Farms. Everyone loves sausage. Even Hindus would risk it all if they only knew....if they only knew.....

Lingerie is not a gift for a woman, it is a gift for a man. Here are a few of Victoria's Secrets too, always purchase a size medium. If he gets her a size L or XL, then he is sending the message that he thinks she's fat. If he gets her a small, he's telling her she needs to lose weight.

Well, my festive little friends, go forth and plunder the local shopping mall in haste. Just remember, if you don't spend enough on your friends and family, they won't love you anymore and a little sugar plum fairy will fall down dead.

Happy Holidays!

Online Shopping to make money!!!

This is a really cool site. I'm absolutely addicted to online shopping, and here is a way to actually make money while doing it!!! You don't have to sell anything and it's 100% free to join. Please check it out. You won't hurt my feelings if you're not interested!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wordless Wednesday....Ho Ho Ho!

Thursday, December 6, 2007


For the last departmental picnic: Management decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.

The Stella Awards!!!

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdictsin the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. These are also the people that vote in this country!

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the carwhen he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mentalAnguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson$500,000 for his anguish.

We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on achain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch.3RD PLACE:

Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What ever happened to people being responsible fortheir own actions?Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs.. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...or what?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Is this for real?


Ok...I heard something on the radio today that I thought was completely insane, but turns out, it has been a very common practice since the 70s -- licking toads!

What?????? Besides being totally grossed out by this, all I could think about was why on earth would you want to put your tongue on a nasty little toad? Apparently, you can get high from licking a certain toad.

What I want to know is, who on earth discovered this????

Wait, there's more....not only can you lick it, but someone actually figured out a way to smoke the venom!!

I swear, people are crazy!!!!

I would post some info that I found on this topic, but I don't want to give any knuckleheads out there any ideas!!!!!


Wordless Wednesday