My next life...

My Next Life...
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then...
you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

Simple and Powerful

A mother asked President

"Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"

A mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Saudi Arabia?"

A mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Kuwait?"

Another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Vietnam?"

Another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Korea?"

Another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die on Iwo Jima?"

Another mother asked President

"Why did my son have to die on a battlefield on a field in France?"

Yet another mother asked President

"Why did my son have to die at Gettysburg?"

And yet another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die on a frozen field near Valley Forge?"

Then long, long ago, a mother asked...

"Heavenly Father,
why did my Son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem ?"

The answer is the same ...
"So that others may have life and dwell in peace, happiness, and freedom."

IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO STAND BEHIND
OUR TROOPS, PLEASE, PLEASE, FEEL FREE...
TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM !!!

Wordless Wednesday - Sunset - My favorite time of day...

Wanna play? Click here

Manic Monday - Faith

I got this in an email this morning, and I thought it fit in pretty well with today's Manic Monday.

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to our kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go ”hmm, where is my Bible?”
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill. Makes you stop and think "where are my priorities?”
And no dropped calls!

Click the picture to play along!

Friday Flash 55

When is it over?
When does it end?
When does it stop?
Will I ever mend?

No more noise!
No more screams!
No more alarms
Waking me from my dreams!

Wait, what’s that I hear?
What is that you say?
The end is near?
Why? Because it’s FRIDAY!!!!

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!!!!!!

Choosing a wife...

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits,then dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their futurebecause she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long timeabout what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them!!

Used Car...

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away?"
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

Are you bored at work? Wanna play a game of Dare????

ONE-POINT DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your earsand grimace.

5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

TWO POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him withdouble-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if youactually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do anumber two."

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I lookin tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants andact genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Wordless Wednesday - Bella

Highway Artwork

HERE IS A SERIES OF 7 SEMI-TRAILER TRUCKS THAT HAVE BEEN PAINTED BY A 'TROMPE L'OEIL' ARTIST. (TROMPE L'OEIL IS FRENCH FOR 'FOOL THE EYE'). HOPE THEY DID NOT CAUSE ANY WRECKS!!

1) TRAILER PAINTED TO LOOK AS IF THE SIDE AND BACK ARE OPEN, AND A GIANT BOTTLE OF FOREIGN BEER IS STICKING OUT OF THE TRAILER .

2) ENTIRE TRAILER IS PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE A GIANT CANVAS TOTE BAG. THE STRAP APPEARS TO JUT OUT, BUT IT IS ALL A FLAT SURFACE.

3) THE TRAILER IS PAINTED TO LOOK OPEN, WITH CASES OF PEPSI-COLA IN STACKS, SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING, AND THE BOTTOM OF THE TRAILER IS EMPTY.

4) TRAILER HAS BEEN PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE THE FRONT OF A TRUCK,COMPLETE WITH A WINDSHIELD AND A TRUCKDRIVER PAINTED IN THE? 'DRIVER'S SEAT'. HE IS LOOKING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER TO APPEAR AS IF HE IS DRIVING BACKWARD.

5) PAINTED AS A BEAUTIFUL, LIGHTED AQUARIUM WITH FISH SWIMMING IN IT AND 'LIVE' VEGETATION.

6) ANOTHER FOREIGN AD -- THIS ONE A SHELF LINED FULL WITH BOOKS AND A POST-IT NOTE WITH THE NUMBER. THE BACK HAS A CORK BULLETIN BOARD.

7) THE LAST ONE IS FOR PRINGLES HOT & SPICY....WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELF.....

Saturday...

So for any of you following my drama saga, here's my latest update. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you might wanna read my other posts labeled "court" or "psycho ex."


I got to see my daughter for two hours on Saturday. It was supposed to be for 4 hours, but the schedule was conflicting. Anyway, it costs me $200 a visit to see her, not to mention the gas there and back was about $40. I hadn't seen her since March and I was really worried and had no idea what to expect. My ex has been filling her head full of lies and just plain BS. According to him, after the last visit, she told him that I said that I was going to kill her. Now, if I was a 4 year old girl, and my mother had told me that she was going to kill me, I'd be scared to death of her, wouldn't you???

Well, she wasn't scared at all! She came in and gave me the biggest hug and then gave her baby brother a hug. We talked for a few minutes and then played. I brought some finger paint so we did that for a while. She painted a picture for my grandmother who is sick with cancer. Then we went outside and blew bubbles and rolled down the hill. Then it started raining, so we came back in and played with toys and had a little lunch. She was so excited to see her brother. This is the second time that she's seen him. She couldn't believe how big he was.

When it was time to go, she didn't want to. She kept asking when she could come live with me again. How am I supposed to answer that? I still don't have a court date and it's really starting to piss me off. It's costing me so much money just to see her right now, plus I'm paying outrageous child support and my attorney isn't cheap. But I'm just so happy that I got to see her. She's growing up so fast and I'm missing it and it's KILLING me. I'm trying to be strong for her and for the baby, but sometimes I just want to break down. I've been told that life is often unfair, but unfair doesn't even begin to describe this situation. It's just plain f***ed up!

But on another note, things are slowly getting better. The attorney that is costing me a fortune is completely worth it. I know she'll get it done....I'm just not very patient!

Deal Me In - Manic Monday!

My dad is a big poker player. He taught me how to play when I was about 5 years old. I remember he had this big tin can full of pennies and we would play for hours.

Last winter, my boyfriend and I wanted a clean slate and we moved to a town where nobody knew us. We wanted to start completely over. He was working nights and I'd be bored out of my mind. I didn't know anyone and wanted to make some friends. I noticed a sign on the window of a bar/restaurant that read "Texas Hold 'em Tournaments." I wanted to see what was all about, so I went one night. I'm normally very shy and don't go ANYWHERE by myself, but this time, I decided to take a chance. I ended up having such a great time that I went again. They had them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I made some really good friends and had such a blast. When I found out I was pregnant, the "poker guys" were some of the first people that I told. They even threw me a baby shower. It was like a big family. Instead of buying me shots or beer, they'd bring me a shot glass with water or orange juice. It was a blast.

Shortly after my son was born, my dad got really sick and we moved back home. The main thing I miss about that little town is the poker games. I've kept in touch with some of the "family" through email and stuff, but it's not the same. Yeah, there are games here too, but they're just not the same at all. Although, it's been fun playing my dad for pennies again! Now I can totally kick his butt!

Friday Flash 55 -- This is for Ambre!

Everything is going wrong
I’m having a bad day
It’s raining and thundering
Nobody’s listening to a word I say

I don’t wanna write
Got nothing to talk about
But according to Ambre
I gotta dig the giggle out:

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Ha ha!

High School Meme

I saw this High School meme at Our Happy Happenings. It seemed like fun, so I decided to go ahead and do it.

1. Who was your best friend? Nici and Amy...I still see Nici a few times a month, but the only contact I have with Amy is e-mail.

2. Did you play any sports? Softball

3. What kind of car did you drive? I didn't drive until I was out of high school. Luckily I had friends to haul me around places!

4. It’s Friday night. Where were you? Football games and then cruising up and down Market Street trying to find some trouble to get in to.

5. Were you a party animal? A little bit

6. Were you considered a flirt? LOL oh yes!

7. Were you in the band, orchestra or choir? I was in band...played clarinet and did flags during marching season

8. Were you a nerd? I don't think I was...but who knows

9. Were you ever suspended or expelled? I got in-school suspension once when I got caught skipping class....I got detention a few times for being tardy, but that's about it.

10. Can you sing the fight song? I can't remember it now..it was really dumb anyway

11. Favorite teacher? My health teacher Mr. Viebig and my Algebra II teacher Mr. Bosse...don't know if they're still around or not.

12. What was your school mascot? The Cubs -- how lame is that????

13. Did you go to the Prom? Yeah....it was lame too!

14. If you could go back, would you? I have a lot of really great memories, but I don't know if I'd want to go back or not...My parents wouldn't be able to handle another round of teenage years with me!

15. What do you remember most about graduation? It was hot and long. We couldn't party too hard that night because the cops were EVERYWHERE

16. Where were you on Senior Skip Day? We didn't have one.

17. Did you have a job your senior year? Yep...I worked for a daycare in the afternoons and waitressed on the weekends.

18. Where did you go most often for lunch? We weren't allowed to leave for lunch...so the cafeteria

19. Have you gained weight since then? Oh good grief yes....way too much!

20. What year did you graduate? 1999

21. Who was your Senior Prom Date? Phillip......wonder what happened to him.....

22. Are you going/did you go to your 10 year reunion? Probably not....maybe -- who knows.

If you haven't done this one yet, play along! Leave me a comment if you play along so I can read yours!

Wordless Wednesday

I know that this is supposed to be "wordless" but I wanted to explain why I posted this picture. I'm under a lot of stress right now and when I look at this, I see calmness, serenity, peace....everything that I'm trying to get in my life at this very moment.

Stupid American Court System!!!!!!!

Ugh!!! I'm so fed up with this so-called American justice system. I was supposed to go to court today to enforce my visitation. If you don't know what I'm talking about - please read my other posts labeled psycho ex and court. My ex has been keeping my daughter from me and has found some way to get the court date postponed AGAIN. This is ridiculous.

I just needed to vent!

Someone show me some love!!!!

Ladies - Beware!

Mute Monday...Just Say No...Avoid Temptation

Manic Monday - Drop

This is one of my favorite times of year...the most exciting time in baseball. Teams that have been behind most of the year start making their comebacks...and teams that have dominated all year start to lose their mojo....specifically the Boston Red Sox. I despise them! I'm all about the Yankees and the Red Sox just love to try to rain on my parade....well the more they DROP the ball, the quicker the Yankees will take them over!

Nice try boys....maybe next time!

Friday Flash 55

Ok...this is my first one and I really didn't know what I was doing, so go easy on me!

“Hard work pays off, right?”
“Don’t expect much, bossman’s cheap”
Nah, they’ll see that my time and effort’s getting me that big bonus.
Bossman handed me the envelope with a smile, “Great job this year.”
I pictured dollar signs as I opened it…
“A donation has been made in your name to the Celebrity Rehabilitation Fund”
WTF????????

Things you don't see everyday...

Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19 I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 . The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
26.The wound was red and irritated with pussy drainage.
27.Note: Patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.

And you wonder why parents drink?

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

EMERGENCY...I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I'm trying to find out which Wal*Mart sells this mirror!!!

This is just so sweet....

The Hippopotamus and the Tortoise
"Much of life can never be explained but only witnessed." - Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strongbond with a giant male century-old tortoise in an animalfacility in the port city of Mombassa , officials said. The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down SabakiRiver into the Indian Ocean , then forced back to shorewhen tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast onDecember 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted amale tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems tobe very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu,who is in charge of Lafarge Park , told AFP.

"After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized.It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother.Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond.They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added."The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it followed its mother.If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive,as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age andby nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with theirmothers for four years," he explained.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away."

This is a real story that shows that our differences don't mattermuch when we need the comfort of another.We could all learn a lesson from these two creatures of God,"Look beyond the differences and find a way to walk the path together."