L'attenzione: Lei entra il Mondo del Sophia

Anybody still read this?

2010-02-14T12:41:00.003-06:00

Wow...it's been nearly 2 years since I've been here. I'm so glad to see it's still in tact. I'm going through a really rough time right now. So, I started a new blog. Well it's a blog but I'm not really blogging on it. I'm just posting lyrics of songs that represent how I'm feeling at that moment. It's a type of therapy for me. Feel free to check it out.

Lyric Therapy

Middle Name Meme -- from Jadey

2008-02-25T11:17:00.002-06:00

I saw this on Jadey's blog.

1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.

2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name or your mother's maiden name).

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name.

R - Really cool! Haha - yes I am!!!

E - Energetic -- well, most of the time

N - Needs clients for new Travel Agency (read post below for details)

E - Everybody loves me!

E - Exercises every day at the gym

Okay, so I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you want to do it, go ahead!

Wow, I've been gone a while!!!!

2008-02-25T10:58:00.003-06:00

I didn't realize that it had been so long since I posted anything. My friend Jadey sent me a comment that was delivered to my email and that's what prompted me to check out my blog and I saw that it's been nearly two months since I posted anything.

Well, things have been insanely crazy lately. My grandmother passed away right before Christmas and things just haven't been right ever since then. Not only has my family been grieving the loss, but we're also dealing with my greedy mother cheating us (my sister and brother and I) out of our inheritance and other things....long story that I don't want to get too much into.

I went to court the beginning of this month and got my visitation reestablished with my daughter....unfortunately, I'm still waiting on the official court order.

My son is growing like a weed and is getting so smart. It's amazing watching him grow and learn new things every day. He can now say "hi" and "bye-bye" and knows what they mean. He's also managed to say his version of Bella and Frankie (our dogs) and they know when he's talking to them. It's too cute!!

Speaking of the dogs, Frankie is a new addition to our family. We got him around my birthday (January 19). He's a full-blooded Bassett Hound. Bella is a Beagle. They have the exact same coloring. They get alone well for the most part -- Frankie likes to try to steal Bella's food and she let's him know who's boss! They are both great with my son though.

My husband started a new job a little over a month ago on drilling oil wells. He works a week out of town and then is off a week. It was really hard at first, but I'm getting used to it. The weeks he's gone seem to go by pretty fast so far -- but that's probably because I've been so busy. He comes home tomorrow night and I can't wait!!!!

Oh and probably one of the biggest changes is that I'm starting my own business. I've been sort of looking into online business opportunities for a while now. Most are scams and the ones that aren't scams, aren't really anything that I want to do. It seems like nearly everything out there is network marketing.....and from my experience, you end up spending more time recruiting new members than actually selling a product. I don't like that. Anyway, I've found something that I think I will really enjoy and that I will be good at. I'm starting a home-based travel agency. And it's not one of those you see advertised everywhere. I really did my homework and found a legitimate host agency that has lots of experience and is a member of NACTA (National Association of Commissioned Travel Agents). I contacted some of the agents working for this company (and there is no commission on getting referrals!) and they all had wonderful things to say. I'm still learning a lot, but have gone through training for about 2 weeks now. I'm ready to start booking!!!! Woo hoo! It's so exciting. I have a website where people can book their own travel (www.distantdestinations.joystar.com) or you can contact me by email (sophia@distantdestinations.tk) for more information. I'm working on getting an 800 number as well as some business cards. I've got some really great deals to offer, so if you're interested, please let me know!!!

Well, that's pretty much it for now. I miss all you guys, so hit me up if you wanna chat!!!! Laters!!!

Something to make you smile....

2008-01-08T10:16:00.000-06:00

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Why it's best to marry in church

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuumcleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Friday Flash 55 - A trip to Home Depot...

2007-12-21T10:54:00.000-06:00

Mary saw a teapot and asked the manager "How much?"
"$300." "Wow!" Mary exclaimed.
She described the hinge that Charlie had sent her for.
He went to get it and asked, "You wanna screw for that hinge?"
"No, but I will for the teapot."
And that’s why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Check this out to learn more about Friday Flash 55.

Wordless Wednesday...Snow Humor!!

2007-12-19T09:24:00.000-06:00

To check out more Wordless Wednesday bloggers click here!

Dear Holiday Shoppers...

2007-12-18T15:11:00.000-06:00

Hi there. Aren't you just precious in your knit cap, Starbucks in hand, ready to take on the world one purchase at a time. But before you do, hyped-up holiday consumer, a few things that you may want to consider.....

1- Unless you are a recent immigrant, or you are standing in a dorm shower, these are not o.k.:

2- Contrary to the Bath and Body Works marketing machine, a girl really CAN have too many bath gels, soaps, lotions and body sprays. I have a closet full of them. I have enough of this stuff to hide the stench of the body that I also have stuffed into the aforementioned closet. When you buy a woman an array of bath and body products you are sending the following messages:
a- I don't know your middle name
b- your standard of personal hygiene is sub-par at best, but possibly criminal.
c- if you are a man buying this for a woman you are sending the message: i've never seen you naked, and never hope to
d- you're getting this gift only because you gave me one
e- REGIFT!

3- If you buy your daughter a Bratz doll for Christmas, might I suggest a pole for her birthday? Bratz dolls are a gateway purchase to penicillin. I'm just saying......

Also, if you are pushing a stroller and you cannot navigate the aisles of a store, it means that you are too old to be shopping there. Just move on, there's a Banana Republic near the food court.

Anything that can be purchased at a kiosk will be re-gifted. An aromatherapy pillow that you can microwave and apply to the shoulders? Really, people? The only exception to this rule is Hickory Farms. Everyone loves sausage. Even Hindus would risk it all if they only knew....if they only knew.....

Lingerie is not a gift for a woman, it is a gift for a man. Here are a few of Victoria's Secrets too, always purchase a size medium. If he gets her a size L or XL, then he is sending the message that he thinks she's fat. If he gets her a small, he's telling her she needs to lose weight.

Well, my festive little friends, go forth and plunder the local shopping mall in haste. Just remember, if you don't spend enough on your friends and family, they won't love you anymore and a little sugar plum fairy will fall down dead.

Happy Holidays!

Online Shopping to make money!!!

2007-12-18T11:10:00.000-06:00

This is a really cool site. I'm absolutely addicted to online shopping, and here is a way to actually make money while doing it!!! You don't have to sell anything and it's 100% free to join. Please check it out. You won't hurt my feelings if you're not interested!

Wordless Wednesday....Ho Ho Ho!

2007-12-12T10:11:00.001-06:00

I GOT FIRED!!!!

2007-12-06T12:28:00.000-06:00

For the last departmental picnic: Management decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.

The Stella Awards!!!

2007-12-06T12:21:00.000-06:00

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdictsin the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. These are also the people that vote in this country!

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the carwhen he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mentalAnguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson$500,000 for his anguish.

We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on achain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch.3RD PLACE:

Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What ever happened to people being responsible fortheir own actions?Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs.. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...or what?

Is this for real?

2007-12-05T11:13:00.000-06:00

FOR WORDLESS WEDNESDAY, SCROLL DOWN

Ok...I heard something on the radio today that I thought was completely insane, but turns out, it has been a very common practice since the 70s -- licking toads!

What?????? Besides being totally grossed out by this, all I could think about was why on earth would you want to put your tongue on a nasty little toad? Apparently, you can get high from licking a certain toad.

What I want to know is, who on earth discovered this????

Wait, there's more....not only can you lick it, but someone actually figured out a way to smoke the venom!!

I swear, people are crazy!!!!

I would post some info that I found on this topic, but I don't want to give any knuckleheads out there any ideas!!!!!

Craziness!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2007-12-05T08:46:00.001-06:00

What The Holidays Mean to You

2007-11-30T15:13:00.000-06:00

Well apparently, this is what they mean to me....I'd love to hear everyone else's results!

What The Holidays Mean to You

For you, the holidays are about emotional connections and bonds. You are happiest being around those you love.

You celebrate the holidays in a offbeat style. You believe the holidays are for doing whatever you feel like - and some of your "traditions" are pretty wacky.

During the holidays, you feel magical. You love all of the decorations and how happy people are. You like to sit back and take it all in.

You think the holidays should be nostalgic and sweet. The holidays bring out your inner child.

Your best holiday memories are of childhood foods and traditions. You secretly still wish you believed in Santa Claus.

What Do the Holidays Mean to You?

Friday Flash 55 - The Christmas Season is upon us!

2007-11-30T11:11:00.000-06:00

Three men died and met Saint Peter.
"You must possess something symbolizing Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man held a lighter "It’s a candle"
St. Peter nodded.
The second held keys. "These are bells."
St. Peter nodded.
The third man held a pair of panties.
St. Peter raised his eyebrow
"These are Carol’s.”

Happy Friday!!!! Wanna try a 55? Get more information here.

The Christmas Gift Idea -

2007-11-29T16:02:00.000-06:00

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Article about Drinking - Beware!

2007-11-28T14:16:00.000-06:00

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the sh* t out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Tequila Christmas Cake...now this looks YUMMY

2007-11-27T10:18:00.000-06:00

Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.Bingle Jells!

Just a little holiday cheer.....

2007-11-26T10:19:00.001-06:00

There's a Nun in Hooters!

2007-11-26T10:09:00.000-06:00

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was alive with music, loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights turned off the place would erupt into thunderous cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf! "
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way" said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and into the restroom she went.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole crowd stopped laughing just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Curious, the nun went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand?" said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Wordless Wednesday (a day early)

2007-11-20T13:06:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

2007-11-20T09:29:00.000-06:00

You Are The Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.
People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

Holiday Tip #37

2007-11-19T13:34:00.000-06:00

Friday 55

2007-11-16T12:22:00.000-06:00

I can't waste time, so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back, got a new direction
I loved you once
Needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Ok, this is probably cheating, but my creative juices just aren't flowing today. This is the chorus of a song that I really like. It's actually 59 words, but hey, close enough, right? I chose it (1) because I heard it on my way to work this morning and it's stuck in my head, (2) because I have my own intrepatation of it and it's kind of fitting with some stuff that I've figured out about myself this year. The song is, I'm assuming, actually about a boyfriend or something that she's moved on from; but to me, it's more of a conversation between me and my former self. I've changed tremendously over the past year and overcome some really huge obstacles and when I hear this song, I picture myself talking to my "old" self. "She'll" always be a part of me, but it's time to move on and be a better person than I was. Sorry if that doesn't make sense...and sorry for breaking the rules!

Click the picture below to learn more about Friday Flash Fiction 55 or whatever it's called!

My morning lesson on coffee...

2007-11-16T12:02:00.000-06:00

I am not a coffee drinker. I always thought there were two types of coffee...regular and decaf. I know black means nothing's in it...latte has something to do with steamed milk...and that's about as far as my coffee knowledge goes....that is, until this morning!

So, Chris' (my boss) birthday is on Sunday, so I brought in Kolaches for him (it's something we do for everyone's birthday)....His favorite ones are the ones from Kolache Rolf's which is on Texas Avenue where all the damn construction is...and of course there was a line out the door, so I didn't get to work until about 8:30.

I sat the kolaches down in the break room and I'm heading for my desk when I hear the phone ringing...I knew it was someone in the office because it rings and then beeps...it was Chris informing me that there was going to be a meeting here at 9 and I needed to make a pot of coffee.

No problem, I thought...I've done that before...so I'm getting the stuff ready and then realize that there's no coffee. So, I go tell Chris that and he says to go to get some....I was like, ok...what kind? He just gave me this blank stare and said he didn't care...he was "in a mood"...which was easily figured out why when I looked and saw Dave sitting in Chris's office (I don't know if I've told you about Dave yet...we call him THE ANNOYANCE...that should give you a little insight--I could go on and on, but this story is kind of long and I really don't feel like griping about him today). So I leave...I know that Chris usually keeps some kind of Starbucks coffee in there, so I went to Starbucks.

I get to Starbucks and at 8:45 am on a very chili day..of course they're busy. So I go to where the bags of coffee are and there's like a million different types. I didn't want to call and bug Chris again, so I start looking at all the different kinds of coffee..you coffee drinkers are NUTS....ANYWAY, so this lady that's standing in line looks at me and asks if she can help. I told her my predicament.

She says I should go with a breakfast blend (WTF is a breakfast blend? Do they mix eggs and bacon in there or what????)

So there were like 40 types of breakfast blends and this girl that works there comes over and starts asking me what kind of meeting, how many people, what kind of people, etc. (I mean come on, seriously??) So, after telling this girl all about this meeting she gives me the one that she reccomends ($11 for a little bag!!!) Oh well...I'm not paying for it.....

So then she asks me, "Do you want me to grind that up?"

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I don't know.....I thought that's what the coffee maker did?

So she asks me what kind of coffee maker I have...I have no clue...ummm it's this big and this tall and black.....She asks me if the filters were like a cone or if they were round...that answer I actually knew...they're cone shaped.

So she tells me to go stand in line and she takes the bag to go grind it (whatever the hell that means).

I pay for it and she hands me the bag back. I stand there waiting for a few minutes thinking she did something with part of the stuff because it's a lot smaller now.

Finally, she asks me if I need anything else and I said I was waiting for the stuff you grinded...She says it's right there..it's all ready to go.

Oh --- now I'm thinking I need to go dye my hair blonde because I feel like a COMPLETE idiot.

So then I get back to the office...and of course there are NO instructions on how to brew the crap and nobody in the office really drinks coffee so they were no help...until my knight in shining armour appears...the new guy Joe...who tells me he is a major coffee drinker...and I later found out that he's the reason we were out of coffee to begin with.......so he shows me how to do it and

FINALLY

I can go sit at my desk and go through my emails!!!!

Hope y'all got a kick out of that! Everyone here at the office sure did! At least it's FRIDAY!

Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels!!

2007-11-15T12:02:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had one of those days where NOTHING goes right? That was my day yesterday for the most part. It wasn't a terrible day, but just one of those where when you finally get home, your nerves are just totally shot and you need about half a bottle of tequila to restore them....ok I am exaggerating a little. Yesterday, while I was at work, the heel of my left shoe broke off, which lead to my new nickname, "Sir Limpsalot" Yeah, so original, right? Yesterday was also a good friend of mine's birthday, and as we were leaving to take her to her birthday dinner, her pants ripped -- I mean all the way down her butt!!! So, after getting a good laugh, we came up with "Ripped Jeans and Broken Heels" as a saying that means something along the lines of stressful, annoying day.

So, on to my actual point of this babbling....believe it or not, there is one!

Thanksgiving is coming up. My hubby and I (along with Hurricane Derek -- believe me, the name is appropriate!) have been planning on going to see my grandmother. My mother is also there. The trip has been planned for about 4 months now. Yesterday (while attempting to glue my shoe back together) hubby calls me at work and lets me know that he may have to work Thanksgiving and might not be able to make the trip. He was so lucky that I was at work and there were people around or I probably would have lost it on him. He won't know until the day before Thanksgiving if he'll have to work or not....UGH!!!!!!!!!

So, possibly I get to make an 8 1/2 hour drive alone with a TODDLER in the back seat!!! I love my son very very very very very very much but it's sooooooooo hard to drive when someone is SCREAMING in the background and such.......but, driving alone with Hurricane Derek is really the least of my concerns.

The last time I saw my grandmother is in February. In March, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She's taken a pretty steady fall downward ever since. My mother has been there with her for most of it. My grandmother has always been a very strong woman. Always taking care of everyone and always with a smile on her face. She loved to laugh and make everyone else laugh -- maybe that's where I get my sense of humor --- she's always had very strong opinions though and was very eager to share them with you. Everything was always perfect. Her and my grandfather were married 56 years before he died (March 2006). They were such a great couple. They taught me what real love was.

Anyway...sorry, lost my train of thought....so from what my mother tells me, she's taken a real toll for the worst. She isn't able to talk much now and tires very easily. She's down to about 80 lbs which is really hard for me to imagine. Ever since I can remember, she's been about 140 - 150. My mom keeps telling me these things to try to prepare me to see her, but I'm afraid that it's not going to matter. I know when I see her, I'm going to break down. Which is why I NEED hubby there. I'm going to need some support....I know my mother isn't going to give it to me. Maybe I'm being childish, but I'm going to need someone to lean on...and my hubby is my rock. He always knows how to make me feel better, no matter what. He knows the right things to say.

Last year, the holidays were horrible; mainly because of me. I was suffering from post-partem depression and dealing with a bunch of other drama concerning my daughter (which still isn't over but I'm handling it better now). Hubby and I made a vow that this year was going to be so much better. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's..the whole "holiday season" was going to be the best...if not for us, then for Derek. Well, if he's not with us, it's not really better now is it? I don't want to make him feel bad, because I know he needs this job and I know it's pretty much out of his hands, but I NEED him with me. I keep praying for the phone call saying that he won't have to work.....I guess we'll find out next week.

How to Handle Telemarketers

2007-11-14T09:57:00.000-06:00

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Today's Friday 55...Sorry it's a little late!

2007-11-09T15:46:00.000-06:00

My blonde neighbor ran up to me jumping for joy!

"Guess what!!!"

"What?"

“I’m pregnant!”

"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

"There's more! We’re not having just one baby. We’re having TWINS!"

…How she knew that, you ask???????....

“Well, I got a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

This was inspired by a joke I got in my email today!! Click here to find out more about Friday 55.

It's Flu Season Again...Let's keep everyone well this year!

2007-11-06T13:54:00.000-06:00

Please do not forget your flu shot!!!!

The First Half of this makes sense, but I like the second half better.

Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits & veggies.
Take your vitamins & bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.

If you can't wash them,keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...When you go for a shot,what do they do first?They Clean your arm with alcohol...Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,flu germs can't get you!

What is wrong with me???????

2007-11-05T08:33:00.000-06:00

Well, I haven't ranted and raved in a while, so I guess I'm due a good venting!

First of all, something is wrong with me and I don't know what. I've got it pretty good. My significant other works his butt off at a job he hates and comes home and (usually) helps me out with the baby and stuff. Lately, I've gotten really lazy. I get home and I just want to plop on the couch and not move...pretty much leaving him to get dinner ready and the baby fed and bathed and put down. I don't even know why I'm being like this either. I know I do have a right to be tired. I work all day, same as him, but I love my job and it's not the least bit stressful or physically strenuous like his is. I just can't seem to get my butt in gear. If you're reading this honey, I'm sorry!

Not only that, but I've been really short with him lately. I've been getting mad at him for the dumbest stuff. Actually, I've kinda had a short temper with everyone lately. I have a lot going on in my life...an ex-husband that needs to get a freakin life, my dad just had surgery, my grandmother has cancer and isn't doing so hot, money's been really tight, etc.....but I don't want to deal with ANY of it. I keep telling myself that if I don't think about it, then it will go away. I know that's not the "healthy" thing to do, but it's easier for me.

I keep thinking about the past...back when my biggest problem was what I was going to wear on Saturday night, or what excuse I was going to give my mom when I just had to stay out later than my curfew...where did those days go? I miss being carefree. I guess everyone does. I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. So many choices I wish I could take back. There is so much I would do differently, but if I were able to go back, I wouldn't be who I am today....and I gotta say, I'm pretty proud of who I have become. There was a time when I was just a total mess. I was pathetic.....that person is gone now. I finally snapped out of that and realized that I can overcome any obstacle......which leads me to believe that I will snap out of this lazy, bitchy stage that I'm in now.......ok I'm not sure what the whole point of this blog was, but I feel a little better now!

Smile! A new day is coming!

Friday Flash 55

2007-10-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

He watched as the sun made her skin sparkle and the waves tickled her feet. He was startled as they made eye contact. She smiled, inviting him to join her in the sand. He couldn’t contain his excitement as he bent down next to her. Suddenly there was a horrific noise.... That damn alarm clock!

Click the picture to find out how to play!

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!

Research shows that Garter snakes are more deadly than Rattlesnakes!!!

2007-10-25T11:42:00.000-05:00

Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous and even deadly. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why:

A couple in Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked out into the living room to see what the problem was. His wife told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

The police arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

Wordless Wednesday -- Something to smile about...

2007-10-24T10:14:00.000-05:00

Ok..so these weren't "wordless" but they were still really funny, right???

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If you haven't already done so, please sign my guest book at the bottom. I love to see where everyone is from. Thanks!

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More Wordless Wednesday participants here.

Ask your doctor or pharmacist about this...

2007-10-23T12:44:00.000-05:00

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can over come any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering whenYOU ARE NOT!
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over andover again that you love them.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers arereally dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically conversewith members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

Wordless Wednesday - It's Autumn

2007-10-17T08:49:00.000-05:00

Click here to see more Wordless Wednesday participants!

If you haven't done so already, please sign my guestbook at the bottom of the page. I love to see where everyone is from. Thanks!!!

How to be Politically Correct in Today's Society

2007-10-16T14:49:00.000-05:00

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

His and Her Diaries

2007-10-16T14:14:00.000-05:00

1. HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY
Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

Just a little Monday humor...

2007-10-15T14:03:00.000-05:00

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

Manic Monday - Bat

2007-10-15T11:38:00.000-05:00

With all the MLB records that were broke this year, there were many discussions and reports about steroids. But steroids isn't the only way professional baseball players cheat. Anyone remember what Sammy Sosa was caught doing in 2003? Corking his Bat. Sosa isn't the only player that's ever done it and probably won't be the last. But, I've always wondered just what corking a bat actually does. This is from http://www.slate.com/id/2083972/.

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Corking a bat lightens the lumber, which in turn increases bat speed and, the conventional wisdom holds, hit distance. Corkers typically drill a hole at the end of the bat, hollow out the "sweet spot," and fill it with wine corks or Superballs. The hole is then sealed with a combination of sawdust and pine tar. The result is a bat that's several ounces lighter than advertised, though still as long and thick as its heavier peers. A lighter bat, of course, is easier to whip through the strike zone.
The theoretical edge seems infinitesimal. Assume a corker reduces his bat's weight by 1.5 ounces. An average major league pitch travels from the pitcher's hand to the plate in a hair under half a second. The corked bat will give the hitter an additional five-thousandths of a second to see the pitch, judge it, and get the bat head moving through the strike zone.
A quicker bat may help a struggling hitter catch up with pitches, but it actually reduces his ability to smack long drives. The primary equation that determines a batted ball's distance is p = mv, where "p" is momentum, "m" is mass, and "v" is velocity. Though a corked bat will travel at a greater velocity, the tail-off in weight lessens the mass. As a result, sluggers like Sosa will actually see the length of their moon shots decrease. In his book The Physics of Baseball, Yale physicist Robert K. Adair estimated that a corked bat will shave about a yard off a 400-foot tater.
More likely to benefit, then, are slap hitters who specialize in singles. But the advantage is more psychological than anything else—a corked bat is essentially a placebo for hitters on the skids. They also splinter more readily, which makes catching the cheaters a lot easier. Rather than risk long suspensions, Adair advises, players should opt for lighter bats, perhaps by using a lighter grain of wood. Or they can just choke up three-quarters of an inch, which produces the same uptick in bat speed as corking.
Bonus Explainer: Surprisingly, the same major league baseball rules that outlaw corking make no mention of minimum or maximum bat weights, although there's a maximum length of 42 inches and a maximum diameter of 2.75 inches. The earliest set of codified rules for professionals, published in 1857, recommended bats that weighed up to 48 ounces. Today, given the abundance of pitchers who throw 95-mph cheese, players prefer much lighter bats; the current average weight is about 33 ounces.

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Friday Flash 55; Tasha's Wishes

2007-10-12T13:10:00.000-05:00

Searching for seashells, Tasha found an old lamp, rubbed it, out came a genie. He said "You get three wishes, but your ex-husband gets double."
"I wish for a mansion."
“Granted.” her ex got two mansions.
"I want a million dollars."
“Done.” her ex got two million.
Then Tasha said, "Scare me half to death."

Wanna play? Click the picture!

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Who's on First for today's generation...

2007-10-12T11:59:00.000-05:00

Remember Abbott and Costello's "Who's on first" skit? Well, what would that be like in today's computer world????

Those who know Abbott and Costello, and computers, will fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please note...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their skit, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
C OSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows and wallpaper. I want a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click "START".............

Something to think about...

2007-10-10T15:55:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday -- Big Dog!

2007-10-09T16:21:00.000-05:00

Moral of the story: Be nice to others because ... One day, you may not be the "BIG DOG"!

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Happy Wordless Wednesday! Click here to see other Wordless Wednesday participants!

Friday 55 - The Princess and the Suitor

2007-10-04T16:46:00.000-05:00

The King desperately needed to find a suitor for the princess.
"The first to satisfy her will marry her and rule the kingdom!"
They came with jewelry, flowers, dresses and more, but got not even a smile.
Finally, a man bearing nothing asked, "What is your desire?"
She smiled and led him into her castle.

P.S. Please sign my guestbook at the bottom of my page!!!!

Have a good weekend!

Lipstick on the mirror

2007-10-04T15:18:00.000-05:00

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Why cake makes you fat...

2007-10-04T11:48:00.000-05:00

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?

.. and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT

Interesting view from Chris Rock

2007-10-04T11:23:00.000-05:00

Chris Rock said this and I thought it was really quite interesting/funny...

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick and Colon."

Wordless Wednesday - Extreme Pumkins

2007-10-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween!!!!

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The Blonde and the Sheriff

2007-10-02T10:29:00.000-05:00

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant but she's right."

Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her best friend was waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Manic Monday -- Orange

2007-10-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

What possessed Mo to choose Orange as our topic??? I don't even like the color orange -- well except for burnt orange, since I am a Texas Longhorn fan.

Hook 'em Horns

Other than that, I'm not too keen on the color orange. But, I did think this little "Orange Dude" was kinda cool:

So since I didn't know what to write about, I googled orange and learned that there is an Orange Rose. Roses are my favorite flower and I thought the Orange Rose was pretty cool too.

Well that's all I got for this week. Sorry, I'm sick today and don't have much brain power to come up with anything clever.

Wanna play Manic Monday? Click here to see this week's topic.

Blah blah blah...

2007-10-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

Okay so I'm in the mood to rant and rave and babble so please bare with me. I'm sick with an upper respirtory infection and I don't care what anyone says, I think it's going to kill me!!! I'm just plain miserable -- and to make matters worse, NOBODY seems to care. My son doesn't care, but he's 1 so I don't really mind that he doesn't care. I'm just trying not to give it to him. From the sound of his cough and the gunk oozing out of his nose this morning, I don't think I did a very good job. He doesn't seem to care though...as long as he has his sippy cup and animal crackers, he's a happy camper.

My dad doesn't seem to care either -- but then again, he did just have major surgery so again, I can't blame him too much for that. I'm also desperately trying to keep him from getting sick. That's the LAST thing he needs.

Then there's my dearly devoted significant other...domestic partner...baby daddy? Hell I don't know what to call him anymore. We're not married...even though the state of Texas thinks differently...we're NOT married....whoa sorry, drifting off subject here. Okay yeah I know he's been working a LOT of hours lately -- 88 hours last week alone -- but wouldn't you think he'd have a little compassion for me??? NONE whatsoever. Saturday, he dragged (or is it drug?) me all around town because he needed new work boots (that were nearly $200!!! But when I want a $200 pair of shoes, what does he say then????) Anyway, so we went all over town looking for these stupid boots while I'm sick and Derek was fussy because it was hot....then we get home and does he even offer to help with anything????? All I wanted to do was lay in bed and get some MUCH NEEDED rest...is that too much to ask? Well apparantly it was....we get home and my dad needs this and that and Derek has a dirty diaper, there's dishes piled up, piles of laundry everywhere, someone spilled milk all over the kitchen floor...and where is my darling honey???? ON THE #$#%%@# COMPUTER CHECKING THE @%%^^@@$#% COLLEGE FOOTBALL SCORES!! Talk about being completely pi$$ed off.....

Anyway, so after huffing and puffing and sighing really loud, he finally got the hint and started helping out....then doesn't understand why I'm still upset after we got it all done. I swear men are such idiots!!! Then I get to hear about how hard his job is yadda yadda yadda...well I work 40 hours a week (yes I know it's not 88 but boo freakin hoo) after work, I get pick Derek up and go home and work for a few more hours....does he not think that taking care of a toddler is work? Plus, I have my dad recovering from surgery to take care of and I'm sick! When he's sick, the world is supposed to stop turning, but when I'm sick it's "no big deal"

AHHHHHH ! Ok...sorry but just had to vent a little bit.

So, how is everyone else doing???

My baby's first birthday!

2007-09-27T13:41:00.000-05:00

My dad was in the hospital, so we had to cancel my son's birthday party, but I wanted to do something special for his big day. We decided to take him to Olive Garden. As you can see from the pictures, it looks like he really enjoyed himself!

Just getting started...still nice and clean!

This is good stuff -- now if I could just get it all in my mouth!

Pasketti makes me thirsty!

Have you ever seen a cuter mess????

Let me have it!!

Yummy yummy!!!

What Does a Kiss Taste Like???????

2007-09-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE??

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,

'Do you know what it is?'

'No, I don't,' said the little boy.

'Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

'Spit it out! It's a piece of a$$!'

Wine? Champaigne? Scotch?

2007-09-20T14:20:00.000-05:00

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne? "No," said the little boy "It's a puppy."

Something to laugh about today

2007-09-19T16:01:00.000-05:00

If you're looking for my Wordless Wednesday post, please scroll down..although you are always welcome to comment on any of my posts!

Sometimes a name change is the best idea...

This could cause some problems...

How do you get there from here?

Everything you need for your redneck wedding!

It's a good deal, but... oh, the college costs!

McLogic gone wrong...

Well isn't this romantic?

Still Dead, Huh???........Go Figure...

"Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News..."

I'm Confused.. But The Gas Prices Look Good

ok ...

Make up your mind...

Worldess Wednesday - Who brought the cat????

2007-09-19T10:38:00.001-05:00

I did not take this picture. I received it in an email and thought it was too funny!

Wordless Wednesday -- Working Mom

2007-09-12T10:22:00.001-05:00

Wanna play Wordless Wednesday? Click here to find out more!

Manic Monday - Clue

2007-09-10T08:37:00.001-05:00

Clue is my all time favorite board game. I've loved it since I was barely able to understand the rules. Maybe it's because I love mysteries, or maybe it's because I love Ms. Scarlett's red dress...I'll probably never know why I like it so much. I remember a babysitter I had when I was about ten years old. She'd watch for or five of us at a time. Our anges ranged from about 7 to 11. She would hide the Clue cards throughout the house, and put three (one suspect, one room and one weapon) in her pocket. Us kids would act out the game and try to collect the "clues" (the cards that were hidden). It was a lot of fun and a neat little twist to the traditional game.

Wanna play Manic Monday? Click here for details.

Stolen from Jadey!

2007-09-06T14:39:00.001-05:00

This was originally on Galen's blog but I saw it on Jadey's and decided I wanted to play too. So come on if I can so can you.

1. What was the first blog that you regularly read? Ambre's
2. Do you remember the first" blogger" that you had an E-Mail Relationship with?
Yes, and we still do.
3.Why did you create your blog? Because it was fun and something different to do.
4. When was your first post, and who was your first commenter? If you really want to know, check my archives!
5. Are there blogs that you absolutely have to visit daily? Not really, but there are a few that I really enjoy.
6. Is your Blog categorized?..(I.E. Comedy, Literary, Personal Angst, Etc.) nope, it's really random
7. Do you see an end to your blogging some day? not in sight
8. What are you wearing right this very minute?....well, sorry to burst your bubble, but I am at work right now -- I have khaki pants and a blue button down shirt on.

My lack of blog posts....

2007-09-06T09:24:00.000-05:00

I've gotten some emails from people lately wondering where I've been and why I haven't been posting and sending funny emails lately....sorry guys!

I've been extremely stressed out lately. First of all, I was supposed to go to court today to get my visitation fixed with my daughter and once again that was postponed. I've seriously had it with the court system. His lawyer is a real B***H and is finding every way possible to postpone the hearing.

My car decided that it wanted to piss me off as well. Something is wrong with the transmission. It won't go in to reverse at all and now it's not wanting to go into drive either....it's a POS car that I've hated since I got it anyway. I owe way more than the car is worth even without transmission problems. It only has 51,000 miles on it, but it acts like it has 200,000...ugh and the dealership wants $1,000 just to look at it!!!!!!! WHATEVER! So, I took it back to the dealership I got it from and the sales guy that I bought it from has been really helpful. He's giving me what I owe on the car as a trade-in and has found me a Jeep Liberty...which is something I've wanted since they came out...in my price range. I just gotta wait for my bank to ok it and of course he's been super busy this week.....ugh do people not understand that I need a vehicle to get back and forth to work???? Yeah so that's that....

Plus I've been busy on this site called Sparkpeople. I really like this site. It's for losing weight and/or just getting healthy. It has all kinds of stuff to do and look at. It's my new addiction! I guess all the stress I've been under the past couple years has taken it's toll and I've gained quite a bit of weight and now my main focus is losing it. So, I'm going to the gym and eating better and Sparkpeople is a great support system.

So that's what I've been up to...don't worry, I'll get the funnies back in no time!

My next life...

2007-08-31T12:05:00.000-05:00

My Next Life...
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then...
you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

Simple and Powerful

2007-08-30T09:09:00.000-05:00

A mother asked President

"Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"

A mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Saudi Arabia?"

A mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Kuwait?"

Another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Vietnam?"

Another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die in Korea?"

Another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die on Iwo Jima?"

Another mother asked President

"Why did my son have to die on a battlefield on a field in France?"

Yet another mother asked President

"Why did my son have to die at Gettysburg?"

And yet another mother asked President
"Why did my son have to die on a frozen field near Valley Forge?"

Then long, long ago, a mother asked...

"Heavenly Father,
why did my Son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem ?"

The answer is the same ...
"So that others may have life and dwell in peace, happiness, and freedom."

IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO STAND BEHIND
OUR TROOPS, PLEASE, PLEASE, FEEL FREE...
TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM !!!

Wordless Wednesday - Sunset - My favorite time of day...

2007-08-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

Wanna play? Click here

Manic Monday - Faith

2007-08-27T15:00:00.001-05:00

I got this in an email this morning, and I thought it fit in pretty well with today's Manic Monday.

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to our kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go ”hmm, where is my Bible?”
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill. Makes you stop and think "where are my priorities?”
And no dropped calls!

Click the picture to play along!

Friday Flash 55

2007-08-24T10:38:00.000-05:00

When is it over?
When does it end?
When does it stop?
Will I ever mend?

No more noise!
No more screams!
No more alarms
Waking me from my dreams!

Wait, what’s that I hear?
What is that you say?
The end is near?
Why? Because it’s FRIDAY!!!!

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!!!!!!

Choosing a wife...

2007-08-23T16:49:00.000-05:00

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits,then dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their futurebecause she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long timeabout what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them!!

Used Car...

2007-08-23T16:22:00.000-05:00

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away?"
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

Are you bored at work? Wanna play a game of Dare????

2007-08-22T13:28:00.000-05:00

ONE-POINT DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your earsand grimace.

5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

TWO POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him withdouble-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if youactually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do anumber two."

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I lookin tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants andact genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Wordless Wednesday - Bella

2007-08-22T09:59:00.001-05:00

Highway Artwork

2007-08-21T14:12:00.000-05:00

HERE IS A SERIES OF 7 SEMI-TRAILER TRUCKS THAT HAVE BEEN PAINTED BY A 'TROMPE L'OEIL' ARTIST. (TROMPE L'OEIL IS FRENCH FOR 'FOOL THE EYE'). HOPE THEY DID NOT CAUSE ANY WRECKS!!

1) TRAILER PAINTED TO LOOK AS IF THE SIDE AND BACK ARE OPEN, AND A GIANT BOTTLE OF FOREIGN BEER IS STICKING OUT OF THE TRAILER .

2) ENTIRE TRAILER IS PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE A GIANT CANVAS TOTE BAG. THE STRAP APPEARS TO JUT OUT, BUT IT IS ALL A FLAT SURFACE.

3) THE TRAILER IS PAINTED TO LOOK OPEN, WITH CASES OF PEPSI-COLA IN STACKS, SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING, AND THE BOTTOM OF THE TRAILER IS EMPTY.

4) TRAILER HAS BEEN PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE THE FRONT OF A TRUCK,COMPLETE WITH A WINDSHIELD AND A TRUCKDRIVER PAINTED IN THE? 'DRIVER'S SEAT'. HE IS LOOKING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER TO APPEAR AS IF HE IS DRIVING BACKWARD.

5) PAINTED AS A BEAUTIFUL, LIGHTED AQUARIUM WITH FISH SWIMMING IN IT AND 'LIVE' VEGETATION.

6) ANOTHER FOREIGN AD -- THIS ONE A SHELF LINED FULL WITH BOOKS AND A POST-IT NOTE WITH THE NUMBER. THE BACK HAS A CORK BULLETIN BOARD.

7) THE LAST ONE IS FOR PRINGLES HOT & SPICY....WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELF.....

Saturday...

2007-08-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

So for any of you following my drama saga, here's my latest update. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you might wanna read my other posts labeled "court" or "psycho ex."

I got to see my daughter for two hours on Saturday. It was supposed to be for 4 hours, but the schedule was conflicting. Anyway, it costs me $200 a visit to see her, not to mention the gas there and back was about $40. I hadn't seen her since March and I was really worried and had no idea what to expect. My ex has been filling her head full of lies and just plain BS. According to him, after the last visit, she told him that I said that I was going to kill her. Now, if I was a 4 year old girl, and my mother had told me that she was going to kill me, I'd be scared to death of her, wouldn't you???

Well, she wasn't scared at all! She came in and gave me the biggest hug and then gave her baby brother a hug. We talked for a few minutes and then played. I brought some finger paint so we did that for a while. She painted a picture for my grandmother who is sick with cancer. Then we went outside and blew bubbles and rolled down the hill. Then it started raining, so we came back in and played with toys and had a little lunch. She was so excited to see her brother. This is the second time that she's seen him. She couldn't believe how big he was.

When it was time to go, she didn't want to. She kept asking when she could come live with me again. How am I supposed to answer that? I still don't have a court date and it's really starting to piss me off. It's costing me so much money just to see her right now, plus I'm paying outrageous child support and my attorney isn't cheap. But I'm just so happy that I got to see her. She's growing up so fast and I'm missing it and it's KILLING me. I'm trying to be strong for her and for the baby, but sometimes I just want to break down. I've been told that life is often unfair, but unfair doesn't even begin to describe this situation. It's just plain f***ed up!

But on another note, things are slowly getting better. The attorney that is costing me a fortune is completely worth it. I know she'll get it done....I'm just not very patient!

Deal Me In - Manic Monday!

2007-08-20T09:52:00.000-05:00

My dad is a big poker player. He taught me how to play when I was about 5 years old. I remember he had this big tin can full of pennies and we would play for hours.

Last winter, my boyfriend and I wanted a clean slate and we moved to a town where nobody knew us. We wanted to start completely over. He was working nights and I'd be bored out of my mind. I didn't know anyone and wanted to make some friends. I noticed a sign on the window of a bar/restaurant that read "Texas Hold 'em Tournaments." I wanted to see what was all about, so I went one night. I'm normally very shy and don't go ANYWHERE by myself, but this time, I decided to take a chance. I ended up having such a great time that I went again. They had them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I made some really good friends and had such a blast. When I found out I was pregnant, the "poker guys" were some of the first people that I told. They even threw me a baby shower. It was like a big family. Instead of buying me shots or beer, they'd bring me a shot glass with water or orange juice. It was a blast.

Shortly after my son was born, my dad got really sick and we moved back home. The main thing I miss about that little town is the poker games. I've kept in touch with some of the "family" through email and stuff, but it's not the same. Yeah, there are games here too, but they're just not the same at all. Although, it's been fun playing my dad for pennies again! Now I can totally kick his butt!

Friday Flash 55 -- This is for Ambre!

2007-08-17T15:40:00.000-05:00

Everything is going wrong
I’m having a bad day
It’s raining and thundering
Nobody’s listening to a word I say

I don’t wanna write
Got nothing to talk about
But according to Ambre
I gotta dig the giggle out:

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Ha ha!

High School Meme

2007-08-15T13:01:00.000-05:00

I saw this High School meme at Our Happy Happenings. It seemed like fun, so I decided to go ahead and do it.

1. Who was your best friend? Nici and Amy...I still see Nici a few times a month, but the only contact I have with Amy is e-mail.

2. Did you play any sports? Softball

3. What kind of car did you drive? I didn't drive until I was out of high school. Luckily I had friends to haul me around places!

4. It’s Friday night. Where were you? Football games and then cruising up and down Market Street trying to find some trouble to get in to.

5. Were you a party animal? A little bit

6. Were you considered a flirt? LOL oh yes!

7. Were you in the band, orchestra or choir? I was in band...played clarinet and did flags during marching season

8. Were you a nerd? I don't think I was...but who knows

9. Were you ever suspended or expelled? I got in-school suspension once when I got caught skipping class....I got detention a few times for being tardy, but that's about it.

10. Can you sing the fight song? I can't remember it now..it was really dumb anyway

11. Favorite teacher? My health teacher Mr. Viebig and my Algebra II teacher Mr. Bosse...don't know if they're still around or not.

12. What was your school mascot? The Cubs -- how lame is that????

13. Did you go to the Prom? Yeah....it was lame too!

14. If you could go back, would you? I have a lot of really great memories, but I don't know if I'd want to go back or not...My parents wouldn't be able to handle another round of teenage years with me!

15. What do you remember most about graduation? It was hot and long. We couldn't party too hard that night because the cops were EVERYWHERE

16. Where were you on Senior Skip Day? We didn't have one.

17. Did you have a job your senior year? Yep...I worked for a daycare in the afternoons and waitressed on the weekends.

18. Where did you go most often for lunch? We weren't allowed to leave for lunch...so the cafeteria

19. Have you gained weight since then? Oh good grief yes....way too much!

20. What year did you graduate? 1999

21. Who was your Senior Prom Date? Phillip......wonder what happened to him.....

22. Are you going/did you go to your 10 year reunion? Probably not....maybe -- who knows.

If you haven't done this one yet, play along! Leave me a comment if you play along so I can read yours!

Wordless Wednesday

2007-08-15T12:41:00.001-05:00

I know that this is supposed to be "wordless" but I wanted to explain why I posted this picture. I'm under a lot of stress right now and when I look at this, I see calmness, serenity, peace....everything that I'm trying to get in my life at this very moment.

Stupid American Court System!!!!!!!

2007-08-14T10:40:00.001-05:00

Ugh!!! I'm so fed up with this so-called American justice system. I was supposed to go to court today to enforce my visitation. If you don't know what I'm talking about - please read my other posts labeled psycho ex and court. My ex has been keeping my daughter from me and has found some way to get the court date postponed AGAIN. This is ridiculous.

I just needed to vent!

Someone show me some love!!!!

Ladies - Beware!

2007-08-13T16:34:00.000-05:00

Mute Monday...Just Say No...Avoid Temptation

2007-08-13T13:27:00.001-05:00

Manic Monday - Drop

2007-08-13T12:53:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite times of year...the most exciting time in baseball. Teams that have been behind most of the year start making their comebacks...and teams that have dominated all year start to lose their mojo....specifically the Boston Red Sox. I despise them! I'm all about the Yankees and the Red Sox just love to try to rain on my parade....well the more they DROP the ball, the quicker the Yankees will take them over!

Nice try boys....maybe next time!

Friday Flash 55

2007-08-10T16:06:00.001-05:00

Ok...this is my first one and I really didn't know what I was doing, so go easy on me!

“Hard work pays off, right?”
“Don’t expect much, bossman’s cheap”
Nah, they’ll see that my time and effort’s getting me that big bonus.
Bossman handed me the envelope with a smile, “Great job this year.”
I pictured dollar signs as I opened it…
“A donation has been made in your name to the Celebrity Rehabilitation Fund”
WTF????????

Things you don't see everyday...

2007-08-10T14:39:00.001-05:00

Actual writings from hospital charts

2007-08-10T14:09:00.000-05:00

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19 I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 . The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
26.The wound was red and irritated with pussy drainage.
27.Note: Patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.

And you wonder why parents drink?

2007-08-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

EMERGENCY...I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

2007-08-09T15:08:00.001-05:00

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I'm trying to find out which Wal*Mart sells this mirror!!!

This is just so sweet....

2007-08-09T14:25:00.000-05:00

The Hippopotamus and the Tortoise
"Much of life can never be explained but only witnessed." - Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strongbond with a giant male century-old tortoise in an animalfacility in the port city of Mombassa , officials said. The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down SabakiRiver into the Indian Ocean , then forced back to shorewhen tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast onDecember 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted amale tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems tobe very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu,who is in charge of Lafarge Park , told AFP.

"After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized.It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother.Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond.They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added."The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it followed its mother.If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive,as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age andby nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with theirmothers for four years," he explained.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away."

This is a real story that shows that our differences don't mattermuch when we need the comfort of another.We could all learn a lesson from these two creatures of God,"Look beyond the differences and find a way to walk the path together."

Wordless Wednesday again...

2007-08-08T14:03:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday - Go Yankees!

2007-08-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

Last Night....

2007-08-08T09:35:00.000-05:00

Let me start by telling you a little about the Brazos Valley Bombers. This was their first year in the Texas Collegiate League, which is a summer baseball league. The teams are made up entirely of college players, giving them a chance to play with wood bats, in a minor league style environment, and in front of Major League scouts. If you know anything at all about me, you know that I'm a huge baseball fan.....and a die hard Yankees fan. The games are always fun. In the beginning, we wanted to go to a lot of games, but because of the rain and the heat we were only able to catch a couple.

Last night was a playoff game. I didn't really have any intentions on going. It was over 100 degrees yesterday and I was tired....but I was listening to the radio and I heard about this contest they were having. They were going to be giving away over $7500 worth of jewels. 19 blue topazes worth $250 each and 1 diamond worth $2500. That's all the information they would give out. That's all I needed to hear though. Diamonds and baseball???? That's total heaven for me. So I grabbed hubby and baby and said we're going to the game.

I really didn't think I was going to win. I never win anything and I could just imagine all the diamond crazed women that were going to be there. Still, I put on my lucky gear...a light blue tank top with Yankees written across the chest, and my Yankees Jersey with my lucky number 2 on the back. I also have a lucky Derek Jeter baseball cap, but I was scared I was going to mess it up so I just wore my regular Yankees cap.

My little Yankee-in-training also wore his lucky gear!

We got there and I was directed to go to the home dugout where I saw a growing group of ladies standing. While there, we were explained the rules. They had threw 80 stars in the outfield. There were 20 of each color - green, blue, gold and silver. They lined us up on the third baseline. There were 300 of us that got to participate. Round 1 was just trying to get one of the 80 stars.

So, we all lined up on the third baseline. This woman next to me kept inching up...people just can't play fair can they?? So finally the announcer said GO and we were off. I found a star and started reaching for it, but some b***h grabbed it first! UGH, so then I saw another one and started running for it. I saw another girl going after it too, so I just dove - just like Derek Jeter would have done!. I got it! I was so excited.

They had people holding up signs that had the colors written on them. I had a green star so I found the person holding the "Green" sign.

I'm the one in the Yankees get-up holding my star

They had written each color on a piece of paper and put it in a hat. They drew out the color green! Everyone that didn't have a green star had to leave the field. There were 20 of us left.

Each star had a number on it. They lined the 20 of us up by home plate. Then they started drawing numbers out of a hat. The last one standing won the diamond. He drew number after number after number and I was still standing there. I looked up at my sweetie as my knees started shaking...it was so nervewrecking the way they drew it out...it was like how they do it on those reality shows like American Idol....there were 4 of us left up there....he was taking his sweet time pulling the numbers out...but alas he picked my number. I wasn't too dissappointed though, I got a beautiful Blue Topaz.

I think the Topaz is actually prettier than the diamond...but that's my opinion. It was a lot of fun and I can't believe that I actually won something. Not to mention they showed it on the local news. My dad was watching and said he was laughing so hard because he saw me dive on the ground. It was so much fun!

My beautiful prize!

Feel Like a Woman

2007-08-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there any man on this plane who can make me feel Like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time........

No one moves..................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles ripple across his chest..........

She gasps....................................

He whispers in her ear......................................

"Iron this...then get me a beer."

UGH.....JUST LIKE A MAN

Middle Name Meme

2007-08-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Ambre to do a Middle Name Meme....yes I admit I DID volunteer against my better judgment...sometimes I act before I think. So, if you decide to do this, please don't tag Ambre as she will probably blame me!

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

R - Reliable...as flakey as I may seem to some people, my closest friends say that I'm the one they rely on the most...isn't that sweet???

E - Exciting...I absolutely HATE boredom. I live for thrills and excitement....Please note that I did NOT say drama....there is a difference!

N - Neurotic....hmmmmmmmmm maybe just a teeny tiny bit!

E - Energetic...sometimes when I'm EXCITED about something....but not usually in the mornings.

E - Extraordinary -- That speaks for itself! LOL...I'm really not conceited at all, I promise!

Ok, I guess this is where I am supposed to tag five other bloggers...hehehe I know you guys are probably getting tired of being tagged and doing interviews and you're probably going to get mad at me, but if you don't want to do it, I promise it won't hurt my feelings. I'm just trying to share the love! Please don't be mad at me!

The Russian and the Canadian...

2007-08-06T15:42:00.000-05:00

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back your mind out of the gutter. I don't know about you sometimes!

Manic Monday

2007-08-06T14:57:00.000-05:00

LIE

When I think about the word "lie" I'm reminded of the conversations my boyfriend and I used to have regarding being lied to. I've always had this very strict rule; do not lie to me. I don't care how bad it is, the truth is always better than lying about something. The truth ALWAYS has a way of coming out.

I don't tolerate even the smallest little lie. It makes me wonder about what else he's lying about...it's soooooooooooooooo neverending. I mean, if he'll lie to me about taking otu the trash, what's to stop him from lying to me about where he was last night? Honesty is tied in with trust. Once you break that trust, it's very difficult - or sometimes impossible - to get that trust back.

Why does it take some guys a tragic break-up to figure out that it's so much better to JUST TELL THE TRUTH?

Why do guys insist on trying to figure out ways to lie and not get caught????????????

Thought for the Day

2007-08-06T10:36:00.000-05:00

It's Monday...my FAVORITE day of the week....NOT! I'm so tired...I'm yearning for the weekend once again....Anyway, here's my Monday thought for the day:

Handle every situation like a dog. if u cant eat it or screw it. Piss on it and WALK AWAY!

Together at last...

2007-08-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. She remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think hemeans her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Top ten ways to get your baby to wake up...(and/or start crying):

2007-08-01T15:22:00.001-05:00

10. SIt down at the computer and start typing about something very important.
9. Answer the phone.
8. Answer the door.
7. Run a nice, hot bath and get just the bottom of your butt into the water.
6. Start cooking a meal that involves more than microwaving.
5. Try to pay for groceries at the store.
4. Take one bite of aforementioned meal.
3. Hold fifty things in your hands and arms, while they teeter precariously, about to fall.
2. Pick up another one of your children.
1. Start making love with your significant other.

LMAO...

2007-08-01T13:26:00.000-05:00

Koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint when a little lizardwalked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the littlelizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rainforest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him andsaid,"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude.....How much water did you drink?!!"

Interview ...

2007-08-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

1. If you were a dog, what breed would you be and why? Don't forget to add gender.
I would probably be a female Beagle. I'd have to be female because some people do say that I'm a bitch so that answers that. I'd be a Beagle because 1. I'm cute as hell (hehe) 2. I'm nosey and 3. I can be very loud

2. If you were a business, what logo would best fit you're personality?
L'Oreal.-- Because I'm worth it.

3. What is one of the most devious things you've done, either as a youth or adult?
Hmmm...this is a tough one...I'm not a natural devious person...I do remember this one time. I was in first grade and at lunch we were only allowed to leave one thing on our tray. That day I remember that I had left peas and some prune stuff on my tray and my teacher said I had to eat one of them. I hate peas and the prune stuff was nasty too. (My first grade teacher was a real b***h) Anyway, I was actually a pretty good kid (believe it or not) and had never gotten in trouble before. I went back to the table and I was sitting next to these two boys that I just couldn't stand (I mean come on, I was in first grade - all boys had cooties!) So, I put my peas in my milk carton and went back to show my teacher my tray. She noticed the green on the milk carton and asked me why my peas were in the milk. I told her that the two boys had put them in there while I wasn't looking. And she believed me!!! I remember when we went back to class those two boys were sitting outside the classroom in the "time out" chair. I stuck my tongue out at them as I went into the classroom.

4. Is there anyone that you're envious of and why or why not?
Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and one of the Ms. Universes - why? Because they dated (and I'm sure slept with) Derek Jeter!!!

LOL, ok ok....actually I'm envious of anyone that is successful by doing what they love and has a happy and healthy family.

5. If you were a functioning part of the anatomy, what organ would you be and why?Heehee!
Oh good grief...what kind of question is this??? I'd be the brain...it's the "boss" and if something acts up, it can play tricks on it....and of course the body couldn't live without me.

Interview rules:Leave me a comment saying “Interview me next" or "Hit me with your best shot" or something along those lines letting me know you're down to be questioned. :D I’ll respond by commenting back on your blog with your five questions. I get to pick the questions. You will then update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. So, who wants to give it a go? Leave a comment and let me know if you're down to let me do you next. At least one of you has to let me do an interview with ya. It'll be easy, fun, virtually painless and you'll enjoy it. :D

Practical Jokes!

2007-07-31T09:32:00.000-05:00

My oh-so-sweet boyfriend thought it would be really funny to play a little joke on me this morning. He set my clock an hour ahead without me knowing! I got up and was ready to leave for work before I realized that it was only 6 - not 7! I was a little irritated, but it was no big deal. It gave me time to visit my myspace and fix it up a little. I can't get on myspace here at work and I usually don't have a chance to spend any "quality" internet time at home so I decided to give my page a makeover. It was then when I realized that I don't have any of my "helium" buddies on there. My profile is set to private because of my psycho stalker ex-husband so I'm a little uncomfortable posting it on here, but if you'd like to be a "myspace" friend, please leave a comment with your page and I'll add you.

I couldn't resist this one...it's too good....

2007-07-30T13:56:00.000-05:00

THE CHICKEN STORY

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!! !
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in the bed."

Ha Ha Ha Ha....

2007-07-30T13:38:00.000-05:00

A Kansas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."